I LOVE commissioned blog posts because I don’t have to think of my topic – someone already provided it!  And the “oh crap, someone WANTS to read this before I even have it written!” pressure motivates me to try to do good work as I write.  The one drawback is that if I haven’t been swirling that topic mentally and adding some weight to my ideas, I don’t have a clue what to say or how to organize my zinging thoughts!  But I am willing to try.

Lately, I’ve been swirling the important questions of long-time reader and even longer-time friend Amy.  I can’t promise that this is a well-wrapped, easy-to-open package of ideas.  But it’s what I have been able to come up with.  I appreciate readers who can cope with my best efforts, even if they don’t turn out all that well!

p.s.  If you want to “commission” a blog post and prompt me to actually jot down something regarding a topic you’ve been contemplating, commission away!  It helps if it is a topic about which I have at least an inkling of knowledge.  I might say,  “Dude, I don’t have a CLUE about that!”  But then I’ll tell you about someone else who I know and what they do.  Because we all have networks of amazing people who come up with ways to live life that we quietly observe and think, “I’m filing that away in my brain for when I need it.”  Or I might have my own original thought to share.  Either way, I’m willing to try.

Back to Amy.  When I posted about the importance of training kindness in my (and ALL) self-centered children, she commented (THANK YOU for the comment!):

It is wonderful to be able to learn from the other parents. Thanks for sharing  I think my kids often fall in the ‘not a clue how to care for others’ camp and I am always wondering if that comes in time as their parents continue to show them kindness (which let’s face it is imperfect in our house at least) or if it’s genetic (there’s definitely a tinge of that judging by differences in two of my kids from the same parents!!) or if it’s as trained as you have described. At least one of your readership would sincerely appreciate some of your ‘hows’ of training. Do you discipline for non-kindness or just encourage kind behaviors? Do you not make days about fun and frolic that is self-centered and mostly engage in things that are done for others? It is obvious from your blog that you are raising very compassionate kids and I would love some more tips!!! 

Whew!  Important questions that have kept my mind swirling and spinning ever since I read them!  This is going to be a 2-part answer.  This first post will be about the principles I use to underlie the practical application of kindness.  I know Amy wanted to know my practical applications… so I’ll have those in the next one!

Jaime’s Quick and Dirty Kindness Training Program for Self-Centered Jerks

Principle 1:  Every person is a self-centered jerk.  Every single person.  I am most crushed in my marriage when Matt completely disregards me as a person.  Whenever he focuses solely on himself and leaves me out or doesn’t care about the impact of his decisions/actions on others, I am damaged.  Likewise, my selfishness crushes him more fully than my other actions.  All of this damage is happening between 2 people who love each other deeply!  But we also live in close quarters and share a partnership for building and maintaining a life, a family, a marriage, a faith, an Olson family identity.  We are required to work together, and neither of us enjoyed group work in school. 

I don’t tell our children that we are self-centered jerks.  But I DO tell our children that we make bad choices.  We follow the “you apologize for a mistake to the person who suffered AND in front of everyone who witnessed the mistake” code.  Therefore, if I ignore Matt because I am frustrated with him and then snap at him at lunch while we are all eating, then I need to apologize to Matt in front of the Olson Five.  This requires being willing to “fight” in front of our kids.  Not the actual fight part, but the “we’re mad, but we love each other.  It’s not okay to be rude and Mommy was rude.  And Daddy wasn’t listening to Mommy, so that was a bad choice too” part.

I am certain that my children will eventually figure out that I am a self-centered jerk.  At least I’m being honest by letting them hear it from me first!  And that way, we model the importance of apologizing.  When Child X hurts Child Y while Child Z was present, you better believe that Child X will have a time-out and a “let’s talk about it” session with one or both parents, and then be asked to go apologize and “give a love” (of their choice) to Child Y in front of Child Z.  No one should ever wonder if resolution happened.  We resolve publicly in order to assure each participant/witness that relationship is restored.  Or in process of restoration.

This is Principle 1 because it is the most costly step for me.  I have to be honest about the mess that I am, especially with my kids.  Right now, my children know that I am working hard on not yelling.  When I yell, they can say, “Mommy, you are yelling!”  Which reminds me that I don’t just “get away” with this because I’m the mom and “because I said so!”  It helps them feel important to know me well and to know that I’m working on my own issues.  It validates my request that they be working on their issues.  And it reminds them that only Jesus made “no bad choices” and we are all relying on Him to help us do better.

Principle 2a:  Every person has an important perspective.  Each of my children have a voice.  Matt and I go to extensive effort to allow them to use it.  This was probably my worst/best idea ever.  It would be SO.MUCH.SIMPLER (for me) if my children knew to shut up and do what I say, or else.  No “back talk,” no disagreements.  But that’s not real, and that’s not how God parents me!  While respect is always important to demonstrate, they are allowed to tell us when they don’t like something.  And it is our job to listen to them and acknowledge what hardship they are facing.  Especially when we cause that hardship.

God welcomes our honesty about our fear, our anger (even at Him), our self-induced mess.  He knows He has the answers… He wants to know that WE know that He has the answers!  As a parent, I view myself as a listener and a validator.  I need to also welcome my children’s honesty about their fear, their anger (even at me), and their self-induced mess.  If they can’t tell that stuff to me, they will either find someone who will listen or not tell anything important about themselves to anyone!  So I invite their thoughts and ideas, even when it involves more work and more talking it out.

Acknowledgment does not equate with acceptance.  I can acknowledge that my child is frustrated that they can’t have an ice cream sandwich because they did not finish eating their dinner.  It IS frustrating and there is no reason to ignore or invalidate that reality!  It’s real for them, so it is real.  Their feelings are okay to have and okay to share.  I’m not agreeing to give them the ice cream when I say, “I can see that this is really hard for you.”  We all experience the devastating consequences of our choices.  God may not take those consequences away, but He certainly comforts us in our distress and walks us through the hardship of living with our consequences.  I want to do that for my kids.  Sidenote:  It helps to separate the “I can see that this is really hard for you” acknowledgment from the “Well, that’s why you should have obeyed!” teaching moment.  Acknowledge first.  Make sure the person is heard.  Give comfort.  THEN… when *they* can listen, give the advice.  That way, they actually hear it.

Principle 2b:  Every person has an important perspective.  Other people matter too.  Once children know that they matter and that their voice should be heard, their internal fairness monitor kicks in and they realize that other people have voices too!  My kids are more likely to say “Let’s talk about it” or “You are mad, but you still can’t have it” to one another when they feel acknowledged.  They learn to acknowledge others.  Whenever I hear them “parenting” their dolls/stuffed animals/one another, I discover what my parenting sounds like.  It is humiliating when I hear them yell at each other or fight back.  But I also see glimpses of my own personal progress when an angry outburst includes “I feel _____ because you did _____!” and the other child says, “I’m sorry that I _____.  Here, let’s do _____.”  Because the first child used words instead of kicking/biting/hitting AND they identified their own feelings.  And the second child apologized for their part and THEN offered a solution.  We’re all working on this.

Principle 3:  Caring well for my children makes them MORE self-centered.  This is an unfortunate side effect of loving a person.  They start demanding it.  The more I provide for my children, nurture my children, love my children, spend time with my children, and respect my children;  the more they want those things from me.  Being well loved results in well-loved children, NOT loving children.

I do NOT advocate loving children less!  I want to love my children well!  God loves me well!  In our house, this centers most fully around 1) allowing them a safe environment to have a voice and use their voice and 2) expressions of love.  We listen, we snuggle, we kiss, we read together, we eat together, we provide necessities and luxuries, we play, we live, we love.  Matt and I both work hard to love our children well.  We also recognize that loving them without taking the next step leads to bratty, entitled children who make demands.  So what is that “next step”?

Consider I John 4:

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

13 This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit.14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment:In this world we are like Jesus. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

19 We love because he first loved us. 20 Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. 21 And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.

I often jump to verse 19 and think, “We love because God loves us.  So my kids will be loving because I love them.”  Based on Principle 2a, I DO need to love my kids in order for them to learn how to show love!  But that love that they receive is intended to flow through them like a funnel.  When we receive a LOT of love at the top of our funnel, we can either plug it and swirl around in our own full tank of love, or we can output trickles toward others with full trust that more will come to us and through us.

It is critical to me to teach my children the HOW and WHY of love, and that image comes from verse 9.  We receive love from God because we need it.  He gives fully and freely.  But He doesn’t do that to just fill us… He then calls us into His work to pour ourselves out on behalf of others.  So I can love my children fully and tell them that I work so hard to love them because God gave everything He had to love me.  And I can tell them that the reason we have things is so that we can share them with those who don’t.  Our children should receive unconditional love.  I love my kids whether they learn to offer love to others or not.  But I also have expectations for them of what they can DO with the love that they receive.

Do we study the Bible to gain knowledge?  Or do we study the Bible so that we can more fully understand our position before God and offer that grace to others?  To teach others what God’s Word says and to share our lives and the truth that we find… or is it just for me?

Do we receive love to feel loved?  Or do we take the love that is freely given to us and turn it outward toward others so that they can have some too?

I am convinced that God calls His children to share.  I’ll try to put some “we’ve tried this and this” practical tips together in the next post for how we convince the Olson Tinies that the love they receive is intended to be shared with those around them.  But I suspect that my how-to ideas won’t be useful if our principles are not in agreement, so I wanted to start with those!

I’m sure this is an inexhaustive list… what other principles guide your efforts to show kindness to others and to teach children to do the same?