We’ve had many adventures since I last posted and I’m sure I will detail them soon enough.  I’m so tired from our adventures that I want to go to bed RIGHT NOW.  But it is 8:30pm and that means I’ll wake up at 3am and that sounds horrific.  So I’m forcing myself to stay up late… or at least until 9pm.

I’m a single mom for the weekend (except that I’m not really, as you’ll soon see).  Matt is visiting 2 of his bestest friends and they are having a Man Time weekend as a birthday gift to each of them from their wives and children.  All 3 of them work very hard at home and at their careers.  All 3 of them accomplish more than they should be able to pull off given only a measly 24 hours per day to work with.  And all 3 of them are rockstars.  So these 3 awesome men are going to sit around in their underwear and be awesome together (except not really since they will wear other things too… they aren’t nasty guys, just awesome guys).  I am calling this weekend a date with the kids and just Mommy.  Because I’m not actually on my own.  Evidences:  a) Matt is my husband and he is an amazing dad.  My kids totally have him present in their lives… and he spent today telling them about the fun he’d have with his friends and how he would still miss them even during all that fun (except not really, because you can’t miss someone if you never get to go away.  He’ll miss them, sure… but not enough to not do this!  More likely, he will miss them again when he gets home all refreshed from his time off).  b) I am not alone.  I’m doing this for a weekend and people are caring for us in various ways to make this doable for me.  We’ll have a great time because it’s a tiny experience for 2 days with an end in sight.  Therefore, I am not a single mom.  Not even just for the weekend.  It isn’t fair to real single moms to compare my weekend with what they experience.

I’m not a single mom, but I was raised by one.  And my mom is widely considered (by me and everyone I know, at the least) to be an amazing mom and many of us aspire to love our kids as wholeheartedly as she did!  My mom was and continues to be thrilled to be a mom.  She thinks it’s the best thing ever.  And she treated us like being our mom was the best thing ever.  She now recants that ideology and realizes that she was misguided.  Because now, being a GRAMMY is the BEST THING EVER!!!!  We’ll forgive her for that misunderstanding… she just didn’t know that there was something even better in her future. 🙂

People don’t know very much about single moms, mostly because these amazing women are so busy accomplishing the basics and complexities of everyday life that they don’t have time to explain it to the rest of us.  I can’t claim to be in the know either because I haven’t been there.  But I’ve listened to women who have been there.  And I’m too tired to tell myself that I have no business writing this post.  So I’d like to speak on their behalf with my from-the-sidelines informative description of single moms.  I write this for myself and for those moments when I am tempted to call myself a single mom… you know, when Matt is gone for the weekend or working late or whatever.

1.  Single moms don’t get to do anything by themselves.  There are always little person(s) in need of their constant attention.  They don’t get to grocery shop by themselves.  They don’t get to shower by themselves.  They don’t get to sit and think by themselves.  They don’t even get to pee by themselves.  They are always responsible for someone, always “on duty,” and always available.  Even though no human being is actually always available.  That’s impossible… everyone needs a chance to shut down.  Yes, everyone needs that.  But single moms aren’t getting their needs met, and alone time is just the tip of the iceberg.  Single moms are never, ever alone.  Except when…

2.  Single moms are always alone.  Alone in decision making.  Alone in making plans.  Alone in groups.  Alone at church.  Alone in bed.  Alone emotionally.  Alone physically.  When the most magical time of day arrives (kids’ bedtime, whee!!!!!!), single moms are on their own.  They don’t go to bed at 8pm because they desperately need some down time.  But those few hours each evening are spent alone.  They can’t go out; they have sleeping kids in need of adult supervision!  They can invite you over, but you have to be available and not so busy with your own kids/husband/life that you can’t get out either.  And friends who actually understand life as they know it, other single moms, are a) few and far between, b) also home supervising their sleeping children, and c) barely holding it together themselves.

3.  Single moms are ostracized (and so are their children).  The rest of us like to pretend that this isn’t true.  “We LOVE so-and-so!  They are so brave!  So amazing!  So strong!”  YES THEY ARE.  But what about when they aren’t?  When they crack and fall apart, just like we all do?  When the weight of life is too much for one pair of shoulders and there is no team member to pass the responsibility baton off to for a quick breather?  What do we do when they aren’t brave and amazing and strong?  Well, sadly, we go away.  Because we have our own responsibilities and burdens.  And no one is standing around offering to carry ours, so we can’t very well go offer to carry someone else’s, now can we?  In theory, someone could… not me, but someone… but that sounds exhausting.  So we leave these women on the side of the road, beaten and bruised by life, and we hope a good Samaritan (but NOT us) will come along and do the right thing.  And we pass by on the other side silently chanting “unclean, unclean!”  Because if we get involved, we’d get messy and bruised and beaten a little bit too because that really is a scary part of life to be walking through and that woman should have known better and since we do know better, we don’t really want to go there.  But what did Jesus say in Luke 10?  “Which of these three do you think was a neighbor?”  The person answered, “The one who had mercy.”  And Jesus said, “Go and do likewise.”

4.  This ostracism is ESPECIALLY true in the church.  (Oh my gosh, this sounds so MEAN!  Churches have programs for single moms!  How dare I be so rude to say something like that!  Stick with me, please, I’m indicting myself first).  You know that living embodiment of the grace and love of Jesus… the group of people who know that they are broken and redeemed and have been called to reach out to others with the same gifts that God has offered to them… the Church?  Well, a good portion of the Church attends churches.  And churches are a very scary place for single moms.  Because we have done this non-Biblical thing and crafted churches into feel-good get-togethers for people in our own image.  People who belong.  And you know who feels like they belong in a church?  Families.  Couples with children.  Churches host dinners for even numbered groups.  Churches are all about developing relationships but you are expected to show some evidence that you are capable of that (i.e. you are holding down a marriage, you are parenting some children, and you are NOT under ANY circumstances needy).  If you aren’t certain that I’m right… that churches are very painful places for single moms… ask yourself whether you feel comfortable in church and whether you fit the family model.  And better yet, ask someone who isn’t in your particular life calling.  Ask a single person.  Ask a childless couple.  Ask a single mom or dad.  Ask a person who lacks standard social skills.  Ask a person who has obvious sin in their life.  Ask a person who hasn’t yet decided to follow Jesus as Savior and Lord.  Do THEY feel comfortable at church?  At your church?  If they don’t and you do… church isn’t as it should be.  We should all be both comfortable and uncomfortable when we are part of the Church, and that should trickle down into each small gathering of church.  We should see God for who He is and experience a certain discomfort with how we do not measure up to His holiness… YES, that is important and churches need to present God as Himself.  But that’s not a place to focus.  We ALL are lacking.  We ALL are broken.  We ALL are uncomfortable in the separation we experience from God.  And we ALL can be recipients of the Lord Jesus’ grace.  And once that happens, we ALL should be able to be with other people who have received grace and feel comfortable together.  Loved.  Cared for.  Supported.

INCLUDED.  NEEDED.

Do we express our need for single moms or are we constantly bemoaning that they need us?  Jesus calls all peoples to Himself… we should see them in our gatherings.  If we don’t… WE are the problem.  Because He is calling and people are answering.

5.  I’ll leave you with this brilliant illustration:  The cliff.  My mom once told me that being a single mom is like going over the edge of a cliff.  God provides a branch about 50 feet down and the mom clings to that branch with one hand while firmly holding onto her children with the other.  And they dangle there.  Not for hours… not days… not even weeks.  Months.  Years.  They are over the edge and no one can reach them.  And it doesn’t really matter whether the mom knowingly jumped off the cliff or unknowingly fell off the cliff or was pushed off the cliff.  She’s dangling right now, and that is the primary issue.  And people find out that this woman and her children are hanging on for dear life to a little branch… they haven’t fallen yet.  So they try to help.  They throw food and clothes over the cliff.  Somehow, the mom catches them and gives them to her children and yells, “Thank you so much!” up to the helpers.  And then the helpers go away because they helped.  But the situation isn’t resolved, is it?  A helper might even rappel down the cliff strapped to a rope and be with the mom and her kids for a time.  This is extremely rare and extremely kind.  But that helper eventually has to go back up the rope and live the life God has given them… and the mom is on her own again.  That helper might even think, “I was used!  I went there to be with them and they tried to climb onto my rope!  They tried to pull themselves up with me, and that pulled me down!  My rope is rated for just one person!”  And it’s true… that rope can only work for that person.

The truth of the matter is that until God places that mom and her children elsewhere, He knows that they are dangling from that branch.  That’s where they are and sometimes, we can’t change that.  Perhaps they are there so that we learn how to love, hmm?  So what can we do to help?  Well, we can keep sending supplies.  We can go down and be with the mom and notice that she kind of has her hands full and it would be unfair to expect her to pull it together for our visit.  We can TOUCH her… hug her, hold her hand, put our arms around her shoulders!  We can “borrow” her kids and love them up before returning them to the safety of her grasp.  We can listen to that mom’s stories and share her life.  She knows we aren’t enduring the same things… we don’t have to pretend that we can relate.  We just have to care.  Even when we don’t get something back.  Even when it costs us.  The Bible is full of references to orphans and widows and God’s soft heart toward them.  Single moms are culturally widowed and they are raising children who would be orphaned without them.  If we want to follow the heart of God, we open our own hearts to single moms.  They ARE incredibly brave and amazing and strong.  But maybe we can make it so that they don’t have to be… maybe we can hold their responsibility baton for a moment and give them a chance to breathe.  They want it back… this is where God has placed them for now and they want to care for their children.  But everyone deserves a break.

I think my siblings and I turned out pretty great thanks to my mom never dropping us during our own time dangling off a cliff.  We love each other.  We care for others.  We are on the lookout for people who don’t quite fit because we know that pain very personally.  We know that kids are supposed to have a mommy and a daddy and that we stand out.  We are grateful for those who took personal interest in our well-being and invited us into their families… not to remove us from the family God already gave us, but to expand it and fill it with more love.  And I suspect our kids will know a little bit better how to love someone who needs extra help… because they are being parented by those people.