Once upon a time, there was a Girl who really really REALLY wanted a dog.  But an evil witch named Histamine had cursed her at age 19 so that she couldn’t be close to dogs without getting very, very sick.  So sick, in fact, that a runny nose/itchy eyes/headache allergic reaction sounded like a healthy day.  This Girl’s sinuses and throat swelled shut so that she couldn’t breathe and it took weeks and weeks for everything to open back up.  It was even worse with cats.  There was a way to reverse the curse, because there are a few special dog breeds who are immune to Histamine’s spell.  They don’t cause reactions, but they are very expensive.  This Girl’s prospects for having a canine friend in her home were slim to none.

She found love with a wonderful boy named Matt.  And she told him, “I really really REALLY want a dog.”  She had hoped to get a golden retriever puppy for her first Christmas with Matt, but Histamine had wrecked that dream because golden retrievers are stuffed full of Histamine’s curse.  She cried and cried.  Matt loved this Girl but he didn’t really love dogs.  There was an annoyingly yippy dog next door to his kingdom when he was a boy and he didn’t want to experience that again.  They got married and promised that they wouldn’t become parents of the canine variety of kids or the human variety either for awhile.  And they wouldn’t buy a new house.  They would spend a year focusing on each other.  A year later, more in love and more settled into marriage, the Girl remembered how she really wanted a dog.  But they didn’t have lots and lots of money to get a special breed.  It seemed that Histamine’s curse would hang over her forever, though Matt did everything he could to alleviate her pain.

Then the Girl’s fairy godmother, Alyssa, sent her a secret message!  There was a dog… an expensive dog… an expensive dog who was immune to Histamine’s curse!  And he needed a home!  And he was FREE!

The Girl talked to Matt.  He wasn’t thrilled.  She talked to their landlord.  She was even less thrilled and said “No!” and banned dogs from their apartment.  The Girl cried.  Then Matt agreed to go with her to meet the dog and his brother.  He is a sucker for the words “free” and “potty-trained.”  The dogs’ family was moving and they couldn’t take the animals with them.  Turner and Hooch needed a new home.  Turner was tall and lanky and kind of stupid.  Hooch was short and stocky and exceptionally devious.  Turner tried to smother them with kisses.  Hooch wasn’t a kissy-face dog.  Matt fell in love with Hooch because he was HIS kind of dog.  The Girl fell in love with Hooch too.  Thank goodness for loving fairy godmothers who provide special gifts that seem too good to be true!

The Girl and Matt tried to convince their landlord that Hooch was a great idea for their apartment.  “He doesn’t shed!  He is small!  He is already potty trained!”  They prayed that she would change her mind and lift the ban.  She said no again, and then again.  And then, as if by magic, she agreed because God changed her heart.  Hooch had a new home!  They went to pick up his gear and his cute little self and they brought him home.

He was the epitome of abysmal adorableness.  He was a genius, a diabolical genius.  He was the most manly dog ever, because he had been neutered… twice.  That’s right, he saved a third testicle that didn’t descend until after his first procedure but the vet found it and took it out too.  Thwarted!  Hooch learned to open suitcases by gripping the zipper between his teeth.  He loved zucchini peels and would tip any trash can to dig them out.  The Girl’s sister made chocolate covered pretzel sticks for their dad for Christmas, and Hooch opened the tupperware container and carefully licked off all of the chocolate, leaving only a wet soggy pretzel.

Hooch was a dog evangelist.  He convinced people far and wide that dogs weren’t nearly as stinky and dirty and stupid as they had thought.  He caused all of the Girl and Matt’s friends to fall in love with him, and several people got a dog like him as a result of his sweetness.  No one could withstand the cuteness of his piggy grunts when he was happy and getting scratched in that special spot that made his leg kick uncontrollably.

The Girl and her Matt moved to a house and Hoochie came with them.  They excitedly awaited their twins’ arrival and Hooch guarded the Girl’s tummy with a fierce tenderness they had never seen in him before.  He always sat next to her and slightly in front so that anyone who wanted near his babies had to go through him first.  Then he pooped all over the twins’ room right before they arrived so that they would know that it was his and he was just letting them use it.  The twins arrived and Hooch stationed himself in front of their crib, laying across all of their heart and lung monitor wires on the floor so that no one could move them without his say so.  As they became more mobile, he lengthened his distance from them, but always stayed close enough to keep an eye on them.  And of course, to express his bitterness at the Girl over not being the kingpin anymore now that the babies had arrived, he peed on the foot post of the bed, on the Girl’s side, of course.

Then he discovered the magical high chair.  Food flew down from heaven!  Magical amazing food!  A few years went by and a new baby arrived in the Girl’s tummy.  Hooch reinstituted his fierce protection position at her side to guard his newest charge.  And he peed on Matt’s side of the bed post because apparently, this time, it was his fault.  When the new baby came home, Hooch slept at the base of the bassinet to guard his baby.  And again, he systematically lengthened his distance from the action as the baby became more mobile.

Hooch ended Histamine’s curse on the Girl by coming to live with her and Matt when he was 7 years of age.  He lived to a ripe old 12.5 years, but declined quickly at the end due to fatty tumors in his jaw, throat, and near his joints.  He was unable to eat or bark and he couldn’t walk anymore.  Tearfully, the Girl and Matt and the 3 kids loved him up and then let him go.  Jesus, the King of all the kingdoms, cares for Hooch now.

Hooch was Matt’s gift of love to the Girl.  He agreed to get him to make her happy.  He loved him because she loved him.  And he allowed his heart to grow so that he became a dog person because of Hooch.  As much as the Girl loved Hoochie, this love story is really about her and Matt.

• Hoochie, I miss your piggy grunts.  My little Gruntlestiltskin.
• I miss you running in your sleep.
• I miss you licking the remains of our ice cream bowls after we finish.
• I miss your extremely rare but sweet kisses.
• I miss you sniffing Matt’s ears as if they were the most delicious thing you had ever found.
• I miss you yelling at squirrels who were young and wild and annoyed your curmudgeonly old man self.
• I miss the way you loved my kids.
• I miss the way you snuck food from anyone and anywhere.
• I miss trying to second-guess your latest abysmal plan.  You were an excellent mastermind and henchman for the twins’ scheming.
• I miss you pouncing every single one of my friends with adoring love and ignoring me when I told you to get down.
• I miss you shaking your head “no” and backing up if you didn’t want to do what I told you to do.  You little stubborn smartie!
• I miss you pulling me by your leash around the first block on a walk, and then me pulling you for the second block because you already wore yourself out.
• I miss you cleaning up everything under the magical highchair.  My goodness our floor is messy without your built-in vacuuming skills!  Nathaniel has volunteered to take your post as official floor scrounger, but that creeps me out.  It was only okay when you did it.
• I miss you following me around.  I’m sorry I stepped on you so many times.
• I miss Nathanny’s smile when he pounced you.  You tolerated his exuberant love so well.  Your eyebrows said, “Oh no, not him again!” but your willingness to stay put said, “I love you, Baby.”
• I miss Rissa’s smile when you chose her lap and made her feel special.  You loved her gentle hands and kind voice in your old age.
• I miss Zach’s smile when he devised a new and exciting way to play with you.  You know, like that one time when you were the horsie?  Or the dalmatian in the firetruck?  Or the tractor?  Or the steam engine for the doll’s stroller?
• I miss Matt’s fury at the thought of you in a shirt/jacket.  His “no clothing on animals!” policy was so fun to thwart.  And you were so patient with me when I played dress-up with you.  Let’s not tell anyone about that one time when I dressed you in Zach’s baby Spiderman outfit as I anticipated the birth of our twins, k?  It’s good for you that I got some “real” babies to play dress up with.
• I miss your ridiculously loud snoring and breathing.  It was so easy to find you.
• I miss closing doors and gates to prevent you from being abysmal.
• I miss laughing at you because you had no idea what to do with a ball.
• I miss you climbing up to rest your paws on the baby gate and do little bounces to try and “jump” over it.  You were always too close to the ground for jumping and it infuriated you.
• I miss your birthday party and giving you a hot dog as a special treat on June 1.
• I miss you hiding in the bathtub during thunderstorms.
• I miss you playing “hard to get” and refusing snuggles unless you initiated it yourself.
• I  miss hearing Matt say, “Hoochie!  Abysmal!  Go snuggle Mommy!” as he carried your stubborn self over to my lap.  I loved being the punishment you had to endure. 🙂
• I miss your wet nose.
• I miss having to put my purse up high enough that you wouldn’t rifle through it looking for gum/teething biscuits/Kleenex.
• I miss giving you haircuts.
• I miss taking naps with you.  You were SO roasty and squishy and soft.  You made being enormously pregnant so much more comfortable as my little heated body pillow.  I miss waking up to find that you had wriggled away to have your own personal space as soon as I fell asleep.  Thanks for faking it on my behalf.
• I miss Schnauzerfests.  We Mini Schnauzer owners love to celebrate our own cleverness at having the very best breed of dog EVER.
• I miss you.  I’m sorry I didn’t cry.  I thought I would, but I’m so relieved that you aren’t hurting anymore.