We are really struggling around here.  I haven’t been talking about it much on the blog because I don’t know where to start.  And also because I don’t know what/how much to share.  We receive SO MUCH SUPPORT from kind friends who read our blog and comment or email or call and tell us that they love us and are rooting for us.  I’m so grateful that I can’t even begin to offer enough thanks for the love our family has been given by so many of you!  And extremely rarely, we have received the verbal equivalent of a slap in the face, telling me specifically to quit whining and being a brat.  Those rarities are painful and make me hesitant to put myself out there.

I’m certainly capable of being a brat.  I’m certainly capable of whining.  I know that I do these things and I’m sure it is obvious to all of you.  But I really want to be honest – to share myself openly because a) I need an outlet, b) I HATE the fake veneer that so many of us feel like we should wear over our true facial expression/mood/perspective, c) “bucking up” is one of the most isolating concepts and I’m not really into isolation — I want community, and d) I’m always encouraged by other honest people and their incredible courage in talking about hard things.  Specifically, in talking about hard things in a thoughtful way that admits the difficulty AND looks for hope and the future as they trust God to care for them despite feeling broken.  It’s always so exciting to see the ways that God DOES care for others and to cheer them on and build my own capacity for hope as a result of watching His work in the lives of those around me.  I wouldn’t see where God intervenes if people weren’t willing to tell me about their brokenness, failings, and disappointments.  So I want to tell all of you about my brokenness, failings, and disappointments so that maybe we can together experience God’s care for the Olson family.

1.  It’s time to sell our house again.  Well, it’s the selling season for real estate.  And we have fully outgrown our current space.  Whether we have enough stability in our lives and enough time to devote to this process is still a looming question.  We loved a house back in November.  We put in an offer.  They received another offer the same day from someone who did not need to sell their house first.  We lost.  We found a new house that we LOVE – we met it a week ago.  We thought about putting in an offer, and once again, they received another offer the same day from someone who did not need to sell their house first.  It’s an emotionally acidic experience to find a place that you dream about inhabiting with your family and then losing it.  And then again.  Meanwhile, we need to get our house on the market!  Last time, we packed up 40% of our belongings and placed them in storage.  This time, we are cramming our basement full of that same 40% of our belongings and everything feels tight and overwhelming.  We have a lot more decluttering to do to get things back to where they were around here 18 months ago when we first started this process.  And now we have a 5th person and all of his gear, so we have even more stuff!  We’ll get there and we are plugging away but I nearly collapse under the weight of so much to do.

2.  Hoochie is really sick.  Mini Schnauzers tend to be vibrant and puppy-like right up to the end and then their health crashes pretty severely and within months, they are only a shell of their former selves.  That’s what we have seen with Hooch.  In the past year, he has been showing his age (12.5 years, 87.5 in people years) and in the past 5 months, he has slowed way down, spending all of his time napping.  In the past 2 weeks, he has declined rapidly.  He can’t breathe well or swallow well because he has a benign tumor in his throat and several in his mouth.  It’s hard to eat.  He’s lost a lot of weight.  He has trouble walking on the hardwood floors because he can’t grip them and he falls down a lot.  He can’t bark anymore (I’ll admit to not being sad about that one!)  It is all really heartbreaking.  We aren’t sure how to proceed – we have to consider his quality of life, but also the benefit that he brings to our kids.  They adore him and they love to care for him.  Rissa keeps stroking him softly and saying, “It’s okay, Hoochie.  I’m here.  It’s okay.  We love you.”  She is so caring and kind to him!  Zach helps lift him around his middle so that he can stand up easier and he is so gentle and supportive as he helps Hoochie walk.  He talks quietly and gently to him, “I’ll help you, Hoochie.  There you go.  There.”  And Nathaniel slobbers him with wet kisses and tries to forcibly hug/pounce him as often as possible.  It’s so sweet to see them care for our smallest and most fragile family member.  We wouldn’t get another dog until Nathanny is potty trained, so it’s going to be awhile before they can have a dog again.  We’re really sad.

3.  Gene, Ryan’s dad, died this week.  It was sudden and awful.  He and Mari, as well as his family are reeling.  The funeral is tomorrow and I’m planning to go so that I can support them in any way I can.  Matt will be handling all 3 kids all by himself for the second weekend in a row.  We’re so sad about this news and we know that Ryan’s entire family is hurting.  We are hurting for them.

I’ll stop there… I think that’s more than enough.  So yeah, we’re overwhelmed.  But we have hope.  Hope that there is a place for our family to thrive, hope that the Lord Jesus is King and will restore and redeem all that has broken around us, hope that we can love each other through this time.  I’m committed to valuing my husband and kids while we wait instead of trying to just get done with all that burdens us so I can get around to loving them again.  Love is always appropriate right now.  Hope and love.

I have found comfort in these verses:

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;  persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.”  2 Cor. 4:7-10

^“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”   Romans 5:1-5