We used to play Spades with Team D: Damon and Diana succinctly crushed us every time except the last time we played. Like the sore winners we are, we don’t play with them anymore because we’d go back to losing!  Okay, that isn’t the reason at all… they moved to Colorado. Team Matt and Jaime was a well-grounded entity who lost at Spades but otherwise did great. Team Matt and Jaime then became Team Daddy and Mommy. This is when things fell apart. We do great at being Mommy and Daddy because those roles are well-defined and use up about 98% of our time. But the non-parenting roles of who we are (Matt, Jaime, and Matt and Jaime) are gradually slipping. We have not yet balanced ourselves in how to be the non-parent version of ourselves AND the parent version too. Jaime is still inside me somewhere, but Mommy is predominantly needed. And when Mommy finally gets a break, Exhaustion takes over. Jaime doesn’t get to come out very often, except on the blog. And Matt doesn’t have time to blog so he probably comes out even less than I do!

We want to focus on our marriage and being a couple rather than just parents. We also want to be ourselves. But it is HARD to find time for that, especially when our parenting schedule demands so much of us. Matt said something really profound during a conversation last night that puts words to what I’ve been feeling for quite some time. “It’s like we’re always on call, 24 hours a day,” he said, “and that anticipation of being needed at any moment creates stress, even when we’re not needed. Some people thrive in that environment, but I would never choose a job like that!” And I wouldn’t either. And yet, we find ourselves in that work environment. I’d like to add my own point: when you try to be grace-based in your relationships, it is disheartening to realize that you are nearly never grace-based and that it is super hard to make a switch in even one small area, much less across the board. Now that I know what I want to be, I’m heavily reminded how much I’m not there. I hear my inner voice saying, “Forget grace! You were doing fine before. Maybe when you get more sleep and have the ability to function, we can give this a shot again.” So we are faced with throwing in the grace towel or pushing ourselves when we are already broken and exhausted. How critical is this grace idea to us? Is it worth it? Are we?

As we talked last night, Team Matt and Jaime returned! We were “us” again. We talked about plans for the future and dreamed together and we never do that anymore. We’re so trapped in maintaining sanity (or coping with insanity) that we often can’t even think about anything past today and just surviving it. We do a great job of spending time with our kids, but if we lose the foundation of our relationship, our kids will suffer too. They know they shouldn’t be our primary focus — they need parents who are together first and then parents rather than the reverse. And I knew that going into having kids. I committed to the importance of being us and being myself and being a parent, rather than just a parent. But when you are living it, there is nothing obvious or easy about it. Nothing. It is incredibly hard, in ways I couldn’t have known until I was doing it. And after 8+ months, I have not figured out that balance. I’ve nearly stopped trying.

This doesn’t mean that Team Matt and Jaime is back for good. We had a GREAT conversation and we connected and felt like our cool selves again instead of our tired parent selves. But that will quickly disappear because we are still tired and we are still parents and it still takes up 98% of our time. It was a blip… a reminder of what could be there if we prioritize grace and decide that it is worth it. It will practically kill us to pull it off (or even just to try and fail every day like we are likely to do) but I KNOW it will kill the beautiful part of being “us” if we don’t. If it kills me either way, I guess I’d rather go down WITH Matt than alone, you know?