Monthly Archives: March 2008

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Poop

We’ve had several fun things happen and I’ve barely even noticed or talked about them. I haven’t posted pictures from Easter when my brother was here with us. I haven’t posted about the fantastic time I had with Laura, a dear friend from college, who came to visit. I plan to get you this info and the pictures, but I can’t get to it right now. This is predominantly because my life has become obsessed with poop. It has been horrible. Zach can’t poop. He literally doesn’t. Every 3-4 days, we get a dried out little turd that he worked 4-6 hours pushing out while crying because it hurts to have something so dry moving through him. It costs us $30 copay (per baby!) every time we go to the doctor, so I don’t schedule an appointment lightly. In case you are wondering or have asked me, we tried everything we could. His solids consist of oatmeal, avocados, prunes, and juice. These are all classified as practically laxatives. Rissa is getting the same diet and she poops nonstop because that is what these foods do to you. We fed him smaller meals every two hours. We give him liquids all day long to keep him hydrated. It doesn’t help because he can’t keep anything down because nothing is coming out the other end. So all the hydration just comes up as urp and never gets far enough to do any good. Zach doesn’t poop. So I took him in. You saw the results of that in my post a few days ago and my comment at the bottom with an update. Here are some recent pictures of how Zach feels pretty much every moment of the day.

urping Zach frustrated little guy in pain

As a result of our visit to the pediatrician, Zach has been given Lactulose every 12 hours since Thursday. All day Thursday, all day Friday, most of the day today — no poop. I take that back, I gave him a suppository one of those days and he eeked out a slightly moister but still too dry turd. Let me explain Lactulose: it is basically liquified sugar because too much sugar in a diet causes diarrhea, and we want to cause that for Zach because when coupled with such drastic constipation, it should even him right out. It doesn’t absorb into his system because sugar is NOT a good thing for a baby, obviously. It just stays liquid goo all the way through and works to clean him out, turning his constipation (hopefully) into normal poop. They said to expect results in 12 hours. After 12, 24, 36, 48… no results. Thus, my recent obsession with poop. He eats great… he loves his food, both babies adore solids now, he takes everything I give him, then asks for more. Then he urps up most of it because there is no room at the inn! Where can he possibly fit all this when nothing comes out the other end?

This afternoon, I got him up from a nap and he smelled poopy. It was a GLORIOUS smell because it means he pooped! A parent’s reality shifts drastically from “poop is gross” to “poop is the best thing ever for Zachary” when placed in this sort of situation. He was hungry, so I went ahead and fed he and his sister, then changed his diaper. Ladies and gentlemen, after 72 hours, our poopsplosion arrived. It was the most poop I’ve ever seen in a diaper. It’s as if the 2 months of painful pooping compiled all into one giant diaper. He blew through his diaper, his onesie and his pants. By taking off his poopy onesie and pants, we had poop smeared everywhere! If you came in on the situation to observe, you’d be shocked and perhaps disturbed. You’d see naked Zach and a poopy blanket and me dancing around and saying to Matt, “He pooped! Oh yay, poop! It’s so much poop, you wouldn’t believe it! Look at this!!!” Then you’d watch and maybe turn away as I show Matt Zach’s ridiculously overstuffed diaper and you’d see that Matt gets all excited too! We must seem like lunatics. But if your kid ever can’t poop and you’ve spent weeks agonizing over it and trying not to feel guilty that he’d probably be just fine if you fed him breastmilk, but you DON’T HAVE ANY MORE BREASTMILK and you’d sell your car to get him breastmilk if it was possible, but IT ISN’T and you are TIRED OF EXPLAINING WHY HE ISN’T EATING BREASTMILK to every person who wants to know what you feed him because not every individual is entitled to know that you have a mass in your breast that is already stressful enough without then BLAMING YOU for being a bad mother when you already struggle with not thinking that anyway and you are worried about being a mother who failed her child and who sucks… <sigh> Needless to say, you’d be thrilled with that diaper too.

Well, there was nothing we could do except toss him in the tub to clean him up. It was that much of a mess. Here he is, in his “lounging” position, looking very much like a crucifix, which is hilarious. I’m so very proud of him for persevering and for being so sweet while he was in pain nearly every day and so frustrated about wanting desperately to eat and to keep his food down, but he couldn’t. We have been begging the Lord Jesus to help Zach poop and it is such an answer to prayer that he did, and that he did so well! We just long for this to continue so that he can grow and be our healthy, amazing little guy who can poop.

Zach lounging in the tub cuddly towel Zach

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Functions not Functioning

It promises to be a hard day. Poor Zach has been having trouble. He urps ALL the time, which is considered normal. It is not normal, however, when he also doesn’t poop and isn’t gaining weight appropriately. We tried feeding him smaller amounts every 2 hours… yes, every TWO hours. My days have been somewhat of a nightmare, but if Zach-a-bean gets better, it’s worth it! The urping improved, the pooping didn’t. Then the urping got bad again. I assume this is because he doesn’t poop enough, so there is no more room inside him for more food. Thus the lack of weight gain. We are headed to our pediatrician this morning at 8:40am. With perfect timing, Rissa woke up with boogers everywhere and a very stuffy nose and she sounds really congested. And she slept like crap last night and has trouble napping. At least we were already heading in…

Here is the main point of my frustration: I have information on sleeping for babies. I have information on eating for babies. I have information on playing with and teaching babies. NO ONE HAS COMPILED/INTEGRATED THIS INFORMATION. It is sometimes mutually exclusive to follow the advice of all 3. Now, I realize that the point of being a mommy is to be the integrating factor: I magically make all this work. At least, I’m supposed to. We focused on sleep and fit food and activity around it and that was fine except Zach needs to eat more often, so everyone eats more often now. Sleep improved and eating was okay but now eating is not okay. So we’re focusing there. And guess what is dissolving even though I’m trying to maintain our former success? Sleep. The checklists for sleep, food, and play contraindicate one another and maybe it’s just that I have twins, but I can’t seem to figure out how to focus on all the needs at the same time for both babies! Because really, working on sleep or eating or any one thing is great and all, but these babies are whole people with whole sets of needs, not just a checklist I can cross off and feel like I accomplished something. I appreciate my training in working with the whole child within the whole family from my degrees in Speech Language Pathology because parents get rather cranky when you find just one something to pick out and focus on as if the rest of that child’s existence is unimportant.

I am the first to admit… we have amazing kids. They are the two most gracious little people I’ve ever met… we get smiles and snuggles and love from them whether we rock or suck. They sleep (until this week), they smile, they are probably considered “easy” babies. But keep in mind that there are 2 of them, and 2 “easy” babies are not easy! I am also the first to admit that we don’t know what the heck we are doing 🙂 Once we get something figured out, the babies change and morph into more exciting and more complicated little people and all my former knowledge is overcome by my new sense of ignorance. Thus continues the cycle of parenting, hmm? I realize that you want to say that I just need to love them and care for them and not worry about the rest, but it stands to reason that Zach should be given an environment that he is able to poop in! I can’t love him up enough to negate that need! I’m praying that our doctor has some genius idea and that it isn’t that Zach’s intestines got twisted inside his belly button back when he had a hernia and now he can’t process food without some horrible interventions. And if it is that, I’m praying that we can get it taken care of without damaging him! I’m hoping today turns out alot better than it could.

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Six Years Together Swindling

Matt and I met in grad school at the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign.  He arrived one year earlier than I did and was well-established and involved in Grad IV, serving as the president of our chapter the year I arrived.  He happened to be attending Twin City Bible Church (TCBC) when I began attending with some friends I knew from home.  So we ran in similar circles.  (Incidentally, we still live here and we still love being a part of God’s work at TCBC).  I remember calling my mom during my first semester and telling her that somehow, I had gotten on “the cool people list.”  “What do you mean?” she asked.  “Well, Matt Olson throws alot of parties, and he doesn’t invite everyone, but he invited me along with several other new people and a bunch of people he already knows!  I’m in!”

Today marks 6 years that we have been together.  The intricate details of how we came to fall in love are not necessary to mention here, but spending time washing toys in the Speech and Hearing Science Clinic, going to Canada, building Legos, and many, many conversations were involved.  We graduated, we got married, we got a dog, we bought a house, we bought a minivan, we had twins.  Boring details… I could be describing anyone’s life, right?  Well!  To spice it up, allow me to share with you an early story that very few people know.

In the fall of my second year here, Matt and I became good friends and we spent plenty of time together.  He kept inviting me to events, but we always joined a group of friends, so he was swindling me into dating him because I didn’t even realize they were dates.  (This is a genius idea for reeling a girl in without pressure).  So we’re planning to go see an opera with a bunch of friends and Matt calls me and says, “I need a new dress shirt for this opera.  Do you want to go shopping and help me pick one out and then we’ll head to the opera?”  Of course I do!  I’m thrilled to help Matt, a tshirt and jeans kind of guy, discover his inner “wow, don’t you look fabulous in formalwear” self!  He looks good in a tshirt and jeans, so it stands to reason that he would also look good in a button-down shirt.  So he picks me up in his rusted out Buick Century, which runs extremely well and is a well-loved vehicle that passed through the hands of 3 generations of Olson men.  Zach would have been the fourth, but we had to retire it several years ago.  We go shopping and find a great dress shirt that we both agree is perfect, and Matt buys it.  I’m having a good time and then it occurs to me: “Are we going to the opera together later?  As in, this is a date?  I suppose Matt is driving me there… I wonder if we should sit together or just see which other friends show up?  Hmm…”  I’m trying to stay cool but I don’t know his intentions.

I’m a bit nervous on the drive over because I don’t know what I think about actually dating Matt.  I like him fine and he’s great and all, but I had never really considered it.  We walk in and find a group of Grad IV people milling about outside the music hall.  Just as I’m trying to figure out what I can say, Matt says, “Oh there’s my date!  See you later, Jaime!” and dashes off to smile and say hi to this other girl who is standing there waiting for him!  I was shocked and offended and I immediately did not like that girl.  He brings me to the opera and is meeting someone else?  After I was nice enough to help him get dressed for the event?  What???  I guess I WILL sit with some other friends then, hmmph!

Throughout the whole opera, I sat and argued with myself.  “Why am I even mad?  Matt and I are friends.  He can take me shopping, drive me to an opera, NOT tell me he already has a date, and then ditch me and ask me to find another ride home so he can go hang out with what’s-her-name.  What do I care?  Wait, I care… hmm, this is new.  Interesting.”

THAT is how Matt Olson swindled me into dating him 6 years ago.  He was godly and kind and fun and smart and hilarious and just a friend, and then he demonstrated that he wasn’t standing around waiting for me, so I better organize my feelings about him.  So I did!  We continued hanging out, left for Christmas break, came back, he invited JUST me to the wedding of his labmate and we had a blast!  We headed to Canada with another friend since I had never been there and we started dating the day after we got back.  Of course, I then swindled him into marrying me because once I was hooked, that was it.  And it still is.

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Bring on the summer!

Now that is is spring, I’m so grateful for the natural warmth that comes with it. I want to retire my polar fleece clothes and my cozy socks and start wearing sandals and shorts! I’m not looking forward to the blistering heat of summer that makes your brain melt, just enough warmth that I can be comfortable in thin clothing and no shoes. And mostly, because I want to dress our children in these! Go ahead and peek because I can’t stop you anyway, and I’ll give you the specs at the bottom.

Amish bonnet Rissa 1920’s Zach swimwear #1

swimwear #2 Zach’s closeup Rissa’s closeup

Rissa’s suit is made from fun, hippie fabric. And her bonnet is because Lynette knows that we intend for her to be Amish. It’s her Amish swimming ensemble! That makes sense, because Matt thinks that the Amish are the original hippies. They stand up to the Man and don’t get bogged down in the system, sans the drugs and free love.

Ten years ago this August, I went to Hawaii with my parents (my dad was stationed at Pearl Harbor, and mom needed someone to go vacationing with so we played and he worked). There was a tiny little guy on the beach in a 1920’s style swimsuit that looked like a wrestling outfit. (Mom, remember him? With the stripes on his suit and the giant smile on his face?) I promised myself to look for one and buy it, should I ever have a little boy. I’ve never found one. Lynette didn’t even KNOW this story, and she made Zach the wrestling suit/1920’s swimsuit! I just love it. And his hat makes your eyes swirl after staring at it for too long. Too fun!

Now we will head to The Puddle (the tiny baby 6-inch pool at our local waterpark) this summer and to N. Carolina to visit my parents in July all decked out in fun fashion. These tiny suits are definitely going to come in handy!

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Burn

You know, I’ve been angry lately. I don’t even know why or what the first tip-off was. I’m just angry all the time. If something is hard, I get mad. If something hurts my feelings, I get mad. If something isn’t what I need, I get mad. Not so much a ferocious stomp around yelling mad (I do that sometimes) but more of a burning “something isn’t right, what is it?” mentality that ruins my ability to function out of love and grace. It just stews inside and then I boil over once in awhile. But after I boil, it isn’t taken care of and the burner is still on and I boil again. And then again. What is going on?

Since this is Holy Week, there are several extra services at our church. Someone has to stay home and be in the house while the babies sleep, so Maundy Thursday was this evening (I attended) and Good Friday service is tomorrow (Matt will attend). So I went. I went exhausted and frustrated and wishing I would just let myself stay home and watch tv.

It was different this year. Rather than one everyone-attends-at-the-same-time service, we split into groups and they had stations for us to rotate through. My group started in the middle, so we had the following:  4. Suffering on the way to the cross, 5. Gethsemane, a time to confess, watch and pray, 1. The Last Supper, the bread, 2. The Last Supper, the cup, and 3. Time of Thankfulness.

During my group’s second stop, #5, we talked about how Jesus asked three of His disciples to stay up with Him and to watch and pray. And then they kept falling asleep. And that left Him alone to watch and pray. How heart-breaking — I hate being alone on something important! How much more so for Jesus whose perfection never quite fit in… We were scattered around the room and I tried to “watch.” I wanted to see why I feel so angry. I asked over and over, “Why am I angry? What am I angry about?” As I watched, I realized that my question was wrong. What I am doesn’t really matter at all when I focus on the Holiness of our God. He is holy, He is just, He is amazing, He is freeing, He is gracious. There isn’t much room for my issue when I’m burned, not by anger, but by God’s presence. There He is and I can’t turn away in my mind to go worry about me because He is consuming all I see. I’m not sure this even makes sense, but I’m trying to explain. And so by stopping with my question and just watching, the answer arrived. My anger burns me, but it could also be burned out of me. There really isn’t room for my piddly anger in the presence of God, so it was gone.

I realized freshly that it isn’t that God doesn’t tolerate sin because He is intolerant or doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t tolerate sin because He cannot. It just can’t be near Him… just the nearness of His presence burns it away. His presence would burn me away too, if the Lord Jesus wasn’t willing to cover me with Himself, like He literally did when He died so long ago and like He does in a spiritual sense everyday. So I could scoot away from Him because it is too hot and painful and hold onto my anger, but I kind of hate that I have it in the first place.

Am I still an angry person? Yes. For me, it’s like an addiction… something I’ll always have sensitivity toward. There won’t ever be a time I don’t have to be careful about it. And I can scrape up those burned ashes and reconstitute them with a little water and voila! I’m angry again. But as God stands waiting for me to come close, I know I can’t go near Him if I want to keep my anger. Not because He doesn’t want me but because we both know that I choose my anger instead of Him. I have to be burned over and over because I make choices to have what I don’t even really want.

This all reminds me of the lyrics from Bothered, my favorite song by Over The Rhine (you need to know that saying that is like picking a favorite child because they have so many songs that wreck me, but this one really is my favorite). I can’t say that I know what they were referring to when they penned it, but for me, I hear them describe the presence of God. Words in parentheses are mine.

Your fire burns me like a favorite song (familiar)
A song I should have known all along (available)
I feel You move like smoke in my eyes (discomfort)
And that is why… don’t be bothered. (my response)