It would make sense for me to post pictures of Thanksgiving merriment and stories from our weekend. But I feel a bit topsy-turvy, so that will come later. Instead, I have some thoughts and I’d like to get them typed out before they disappear into the endless cycle of feedings and diapers and never resurface.

I’m going to be careful, because this post is a review of a book that inspires love and devotion in some crowds and book-burning hatred and censorship in others. I’m of course referring to BabyWise. <group shudder> I wasn’t going to read it because among the parenting philosophies/schools of thought, I already knew BabyWise’s perspective, and I presupposed that the authors were lunatics and thought, “there is no value in spending time reading crap.” You see how this book divides people? I haven’t even READ it yet and I’m all judgmental and snotty. The book was suggested to me by another twin mom and I was going to borrow it, but mysteriously, everyone I know who used to own a copy chucked it into their trashcan and had nothing to let me borrow. Thus, my suspicion that it was total crap gained momentum. Then I decided to read it so I could be sure I was right. Besides, I have to pump and I need something to do while I’m attached to a milking machine multiple times a day. So, you may be wondering, was I right?

Welllll…. that’s a loaded question. This lengthy post contains my thoughts (note to reader, these are my thoughts. I don’t claim to be right, and you don’t have to agree with me! I’d be happy to know what you think too). As a general review: BabyWise inspires extremism. You either assume they are crazy and you do whatever you darn well want to or you assume they are geniuses and you believe every word. These are both dangerous schools of thought. The book starts out with some genuinely useful principles for new parents: 1) Babies function best within the workings of a family, not as the center of the universe. 2) New parents could easily overlook their marriage with a new baby in the house, and that’s not cool because children need the stability of knowing that their parents love each other and value their relationship as a top priority. These principles are generally reasonable and a good reminder for new parents. But then the book offers advice on how best to make these principles a reality and the advice doesn’t have anything to do with the principles, and that’s where things get controversial.

BabyWise purports its program as a happy medium between the 2 extremes of parenting philosophies. Extreme #1 is reported as Attachment Theory, which they describe as follows: your baby is completely in charge. Parents have no ability to make decisions… that new baby rules the home. They must be held every single second they want to be held and fed every time they want to eat. It actually says more than once that this theory expects parents to feed their kids as often as every 20 minutes… you get the idea. Here is my question: does that actually even happen? Is there a baby who wants to eat every 20 minutes for 24 hours… what is that, like 72 meals per day? It sounds so ridiculous. Usually if babies need food more often than seems reasonable… there is a problem that should be addressed — they can’t keep their food down or there isn’t enough milk supply or something. Something fixable. It doesn’t just continue on indefinitely like the book leads you to believe. You should know that this is a completely distorted and extremist view of Attachment Theory, which I’ve found really just states that babies are trustworthy to know what they need and that especially when they are very young, if they seem upset, there is something upsetting them and it’s worth looking into instead of blowing off your child’s needs and assuming they are just being controlling and ruining your life.

I don’t remember if Extreme #2 was given a name, but it’s basically clock-ruled parenting and is presented by the BabyWise book as follows: schedule, schedule, schedule… RIGID schedule. If your kid ate at 8am and was put down for a nap, they can’t possibly need anything from you until 11am, so don’t touch them, talk to them, or help them AT ALL. The clock is in charge, and 11am is your next chance to meet their needs, so whatever you do, BE AVAILABLE at 11am! Not 11:01, not 10:59. Again, they present scheduling as far more extreme than it usually is.

Thus, BabyWise is the answer to every problem out there because these two extremes are bad. Well, compared to these two alternatives, anything would sound good! I admit it, I considered chucking the book after the first few chapters too because it sounded ridiculous to assume that you only have 3 choices, extreme #1, extreme #2, and BabyWise, the choice that claims to put the parent (not the baby or the clock) in the driver’s seat. What about moderation??? And who says that BabyWise hasn’t created their own 3rd extreme to be avoided, even though I’m not even sure yet what the BabyWise tenets are because they have frustrated me before I even get to that chapter? So I read further, mostly because I couldn’t chuck a library’s copy (a water-damaged, half-destroyed copy, meaning either it has been well-loved or well-hated) without having to pay for it.

So the BabyWise program is described as a happy medium where you use a schedule, but instead of being ruled by the clock, you assess your baby’s needs and take them into consideration. It sounds good until the major rub occurs: BabyWise claims that ALL babies should be sleeping through the night by such-and-such an age (defined as 7-8 hours of sleep) or you are parenting them badly. Wow, no wonder this book is so divisive! In my counseling basics class 2 semesters ago, we learned that counselors alienate clients when they use the word should because you are setting a standard and daring the client to consider defying you. And, if a person can’t do what they should, then they obviously suck, right? Talk about pressure on new parents! I get enough of that anyway. I almost chucked the book again. Here’s why: convenience parenting isn’t all that convenient. If I can take the easy way out in some area of parenting, I’ll pay for it later in another way! I think that the whole point of parenting is to consistently spend the time necessary to help your kids become who God has for them to be. That’s not easy and convenient, that’s hard and time-consuming! But worth it. Forcing my child to sleep all night before they are ready (by ignoring them when they cry) like BabyWise seems to suggest makes sleep the most important thing. I miss sleep… I love sleep… but there are higher priorities for me, like making sure that my kids’ needs are met!

If you ignore the whole “let your child sleep and ignore them if they cry during the night” fiasco, there actually was some decent information in the rest of the book. It had useful suggestions for how to organize my thoughts about what to expect out of the babies regarding meals. Our kids started at 8 meals a day, and are now hanging out at 7 meals a day. I knew the next step was 6, but which 6? Then which 5? Which ones get eliminated and how do you know when to do it? The information was so reasonable, I wondered if I was reading the same book! Then I reached the multiples chapter, which usually sucks in the other books I’ve read. Written in a completely different style than the rest of the book, this chapter offered grace! Ideas were presented as suggestions, not demands. The chapter accurately describe the ins and outs of a day with twins or triplets. Who are these people and what have they done with the BabyWise authors of the past 8 chapters? (I looked in the acknowledgments: they invited an author to write the Multiples chapter, a pediatrician who mothered triplets, twins, AND 4 singletons! NINE kids! No wonder she had so much grace to offer!)

Bottom line: BabyWise could be useful if you have enough confidence in yourself to know where they are full of crap (the research listed is only sometimes actual research and is sketchily presented… they only report studies that support what they have to say, so they only have a few studies to report from. It’s rather shady). I don’t recommend that brand new parents read it because it adds too much stress and hope in areas that your kids might not “perform” up to the designated standards. However, I recommend the multiples chapter to every new parent of multiples! I wish I’d known the info she gives before I had to learn it on my own! In general, BabyWise purports convenience parenting… make life as easy on the parents as possible. That sounds pretty good, but at what cost? Easy parenting doesn’t automatically improve my marriage and family life as they claim; hard work and effort improves my marriage and family life. There is no easy way to the worthwhile things in life.