Monthly Archives: September 2007

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People-pleasers and problem-solving

I’m reading a book about parenting twins while I pump since I have to sit down and hold still for 15-30 minutes out of every several hours to do it. I feel slightly like a dairy cow plugged into the machine and just waiting for it to be over with. I may as well learn while I do it since there certainly isn’t any other time in my day for reading!

It’s a pop-culture book, in that the author says things like, “Research shows…” without any citation to tell me which research and where to find it. In college and grad school, you get drilled with “show your sources” and the importance of abstract thinking. Just because a researcher found something doesn’t mean they did good research! You need the option of looking it up for yourself if you REALLY want to know and evaluate the results. But at least I can get a sense for some of the information out there, as unidentified as the sources may be.

I’ve learned a couple cool things, such as we can encourage our kids to spend alone time as they play. They shouldn’t always be forced to play together… everyone needs solitude. I hadn’t thought of that. Or the idea that even now, I can say, “I’ll be there soon, little one. I’m helping your twin right now.” They don’t understand my words yet but eventually the message comes across: “Mommy and Daddy take care of me. Mommy and Daddy also take care of you. So sometimes I have to wait.”

The most prevalent piece of new information for me was that parents work really hard to know their kids and to learn who they are, but some things we learn lose relevance. Who our babies were in their NICU days is lightyears away from who they are now, but it is possible for Matt and I to adopt certain beliefs about them from the NICU and carry those beliefs past when they apply. For example: As you know, we THOUGHT the babies were struggling to eat enough because our expectations of “enough” were way off. But our expectations were built back when Marissa and Zach were brand new and we worried for both of them to eat enough because it was so exhausting for them! There was reason to worry then, but as they developed our worries were no longer needed. But I find myself still concerned that they are taking enough. When they decide to be done with their bottle before they finish it and start nodding off to sleep, I find myself changing their position and finding ways to stimulate them awake so they can finish what I think they should eat. This behavior from me is due to worries I still hold about them eating enough. That could subconsciously last forever (forcing them to finish every morsel on their plate or trying to get them to eat more as toddlers, children, etc…) and create a very unhealthy relationship with food for them! It sends the message that they cannot trust themselves. “I feel full, but Mommy/Daddy wants more from me, and I love them and want to please them, so I must not be full. I’ll keep trying to make them happy.”

This came up today when poor Marissa urped up her whole meal after doing an amazing job at breast-feeding because we gave her too much in her bottle to supplement her meal. She took it to please us, but she also sent signals of “I’m full” that we didn’t see. And then her little system was overloaded and she couldn’t keep it all down. The same thing happened with Zach last night… he was done and fell asleep and I tried to “help” him finish what was left in his bottle. Thankfully, he held out and refused to take it, so no urp ups.

There is an enormous responsibility with being a parent! Our babies want to make us happy, and we can demand way too much of them and not realize they are only doing it to please us. Of course, they can’t tell us this in words, so we have to rack our brains problem-solving what the common denominators are when they lose a whole meal. A little spit-up is fine, but if they spit up everything they took, what is causing it? What is it, what is it, what is it… oh. So for now, we assume the cause is what I described earlier. And we remind ourselves that they can trust themselves and we can trust them too. So much of being a mom is intended to change me rather than the babies! I’m growing into my new role as mommy and they will help me along if I’m willing to listen.

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Appreciation of Bodily Functions

Well, new babies produce aLOT of bodily functions. And of course, we are thrilled with the 16-20 diapers a day (sometimes more). We love the burps, gas, pee, poop, etc. It means things are working and there aren’t any concerns. I could do without the urping, but perfection is elusive. I’m not sure if having twins doubles the volume of bodily functions, or if there is an exponential factor. Please also keep in mind that motivators like pooping in the Elmo diapers and the excitement of aiming at Grammy could be accounting for the excess volumes of gas, pee, and poop that we are privy to on a 3-hour basis. It was heart-warming, then, when we finally discovered who was most appreciative of our babies’ efforts. Did I say heart-warming? Heart-warming in an ew, gross, what do we do with this thing?? sort of way. Behold, our Trashcan Bandit, only barely older than a baby himself:

Trashcan Bandit the ruined lid

Grammy left this morning after 3 weeks of glorious help and baby loving. It was hard on everyone. It was beautiful for us that she got to meet the babies in their early days and get to know them before they changed any further! Grandma and Grandpa Olson are arriving this evening, so we’re thrilled that they too will know the babies early on and be here to offer much-needed help! Outside of loving the babies, Grammy was present at either 3 or 4 of the 4 night-time feedings EVERY night for 3 weeks, she kept up with the insanity of dishes including hand-washing bottles and breast pumping equiment, ran errands, did laundry, gave us time for dates alone while she took care of the babies… she was so helpful! Thank you so much, Grammy! It was a joy to have you here and we’re thrilled that it was a joy for you as well! This is a large part of why we are doing so well. The real test is coming after Grandma and Grandpa Olson leave next weekend and we are on our own as the four of us.

As a going-away present, Zach peed on Grammy one last time this morning and also soaked his own outfit. This earned him a “naked in the family portrait” picture, which isn’t shameful at all because he is so cute naked. They both are! Of course, we let them keep their diapers on, mostly for our own sakes! You never know what will fly around here!

pee victims family tiny angels

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One month!

The babies are one month old today!! They have changed alot since their early NICU days with all the machines attached to their tiny bodies! We have changed alot too, both inside and outside! Marissa went from 4 lb, 12 oz up to 6 lb, 3.5 oz (she’s probably closer to 6;7 now) and Zach went from 5 lb, 6 oz up to 6 lb, 8.5 oz (a week ago, he’s probably around 7 lbs. now!).

Here are some pictures from our day:

tiny tots babies with Grammy

one month family Grammy and babies

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Personal Vendettas

Well, if you mess with Marissa, she WILL get back at you, it just might take her a few weeks. This is probably because she spends those few weeks concocting her elaborate scheme. Here is what took place…

Zach peed on Marissa’s head over a week ago. Now, that sounds horrible, but really, he has peed on everything in his room, so since she lives there too, it was bound to happen eventually. She was being fed in the chair and he was being diapered on the dresser, and he shot a stream straight up that changed directions at the peak and got her. He soiled his and my jammies last night with pee-pee! Marissa seemed non-plussed at the time, but clearly a plan began forming…

Last night, both babies were howling just before their 10pm feeding. Grammy went in and found the following:

Zach was facing away from Marissa trying to sleep and howling intermittently. Marissa was RIGHT behind him, spooning him and licking the back of his head with great vigor! He was covered with slobber. Every once in awhile, she would chomp at him to try and latch onto his head and that was when he howled. Grammy, amidst peals of laughter, tugged Marissa back to a “demilitarized zone” and gave her a pacifier, which she immediately chomped at rather happily. As soon as she was gone, Zach sighed with visible relaxation and immediately fell back asleep.

Well, little man… all I can say is beware who you pee on.

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Poop obsessions

Well, we are obsessed with poop again. We took a nice break from it to move on, but we’re back! Poop, poop, poop. My mom tends to inspire our kids to poop, to spray poop even! But she always manages to avoid getting pooped on. It’s a gift, I think. I’m hoping that the babies’ other grandparents who are arriving later this week have the gift as well!

Last Monday, we were at the pediatrician’s office with Marissa because she could poop but was in terrible pain and her belly was so swollen that it was rock hard. They allowed her to come home and we were told to watch her carefully. If anything got worse, Dr. Melvin specifically said to get ourselves back in to see him and don’t let anyone blow me off on the phone with “Oh, this is normal, blah blah blah.” On Monday this week, we were back at the pediatrician’s office with Marissa because after 15 hours of effort, she hadn’t squeezed out any poop and was in terrible pain! The poor tiny girl didn’t get any sleep all day because she spent all her nap time hurting and crying. She urped up several meals because there wasn’t room inside her for more food since nothing was coming out. She would wolf down a meal because she was so hungry, then urp it up, and then go back to trying to poop and experiencing horrible pain again. It was the same pain cry as when they would take blood samples from her foot in the NICU, but this time, I can’t help her and I can’t tell her that it’s almost over!

I called to speak to our pediatrician since his nurse wasn’t in our conversation last time so wouldn’t know that he was very concerned, but you can never get a doctor on the phone, so I spoke with his nurse. She blew me off like she always does with her “they are normal newborns” speech — babies get eye crusties/don’t poop/have different cries etc. It always comes down to “are they gaining weight?” If so, they must be fine. It’s a little bit infuriating. Last time I was in, she was almost hospitalized for this and she was able to poop then. This is definitely a turn for the worse, so lady, we are coming in and make me an appointment NOW! It doesn’t help that this is the same woman who came up to Zach and I in the office when we went in for his eye infection and said the following to me: “Can I just take your baby around to show people at the desk? I won’t let anyone touch him.” Um, NO, crazy lady! Doesn’t she know that’s what bad people say when they try to steal a baby??? He is a sick patient, not a side show! We really like the pediatrician, but I am not happy with his blow-you-off nurse who tried to steal my baby 🙂 I had never considered this before our kids were born, but when you are at the hospital as an adult patient, no one hurtles themselves at your hospital bed and says, “Oh look at it! It’s so cute!” They respect that you aren’t here on good circumstances and need to not be harrassed. Not so for tiny people! Being cute isn’t all fun and games.

Anyway, we had an appointment for yesterday morning, but I called back to have her seen Monday night because things were not going any better and she was in pain for longer periods. Marissa was weighed, and she gained a whole pound in 10 days too! She is now 6 pounds, 3.5 ounces. We are so proud! We didn’t get to see our doctor, but we saw someone else. He was of the opinion that this is normal and she’ll get through it and maybe she’s just a fussy baby. If it hadn’t been so preposterous, I might have laughed. Marissa? A fussy baby? She’s the most laid-back baby ever! She isn’t fussy, she is hurting! Thankfully, Matt said something along those lines out loud at the appointment. I’m glad she isn’t sick, but screaming in pain for 30 minutes isn’t normal or “fussy”, you know? So we got some gas drops and suppositories and tried the suppositories first. Well! That helped quite a bit. We did those for every 12 hours and that worked out whatever was stuck, and then this morning, she nearly sprayed the room again without any medical help. If Grammy hadn’t whipped a diaper under her to catch most of it, it could have been another photo-worthy moment. Zach sprayed the downstairs several days ago while Grammy was changing him. I tell you, she has a gift!

So we’re charting Marissa’s pooping schedule and she hasn’t been in nearly as much pain. She’s actually able to sleep again! We’ve been praying that the Lord will help her poop, which would have seemed weird before, but it is what she needs and He cares about what she needs. She wasn’t getting any of her basic needs met: she couldn’t eat, she couldn’t sleep, and she couldn’t poop! It was horrible for her. As a tribute to her Auntie Alana, I suggested that her Sesame Street diapers could be a motivator. She didn’t want to poop in the diaper with Cookie Monster and Big Bird on it and I completely understand that! But the Elmo and Zoe diaper??? That’s worth soiling 🙂 She has actually pooped in the Elmo and Zoe diaper 2 of the 3 times since we started charting her, and they were her messiest ones. This was not by chance… I think it helps Marissa to know that she is pooping on Elmo, who Alana believes injustly took over Sesame Street as a tyrant. Marissa believes it!

Marissa’s hard work these past few days:

trying to poop tiny girl hungry girl!

Not to be outdone, Zach can spray poo at Grammy too! The Pack ‘n Play designers were smarter than our changing pad designers, because they put a lip on the changing area to catch these sorts of things. Otherwise, he would have gotten the couch and floor downstairs!

watch out, Grammy! more carnage

Our two cuties:

growing babies! adorable!