Wow. It has been five and a half MONTHS since I have been here. I couldn’t even remember my password as blog owner! Hi there.
I need to write because I am LOSING MY MIND.
Matt and I have been squeezed through a wheat-sifter. Our marriage, specifically. It has been excruciating and we are a bloody mess emotionally. I describe our current state as “we’re cleaning out all of the yuck in our wounds so that they can heal well.” Delicious, no?
As it turns out, we are both overachievers at selfishness. We are in counseling, we are in shred-apart-this-crap-and-find-the-valuable-hidden-parts mode, and we have decided to deal with some serious cracks in our relational foundation. It is horrible. I don’t want to describe how horrible… I’m going to let your imagination do that work for me.
But we are on a journey here. There are things, amazing things, looming beyond us. There is a something for the Olson Five to do, and we have to get these foundational cracks repaired (even if we have to dig up the entire structure and rebuild it, which it kind of seems like we are doing, but we’re so covered with sludge and the air is so thick with demolition dust that we don’t really see what we’re doing… we’re just DOING IT). And we don’t know what the amazing things are that we headed toward, but we are committed to realistically dealing with our crap and moving in that direction.
We’re never going to get there.
It isn’t just a half-glass-empty doubt that punches me in the face in my weak moments. We really are NEVER GOING TO GET THERE. We’ll never have it together. I thought we would by now. I thought we’d be 10+ years into this marriage thing and have our issues all ironed out so that we can be available for everyone else’s issues. Yeah, that’s not ever going to be true. Our issues are immense. We still CAN be available to others with their issues, but only because we know the deep and painful brokenness of ourselves. We get you. We hear what you’re saying. We are piles of shards and we may never feel put together. We should probably just snuggle in, razor edges and all, and let Jesus start building a beautiful picture out of our shared mosaic, because pulling back until we are smooth and soft is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. We can’t get there. We’re a broken mess, and we are painfully aware of it. And we are healing and being restored, but we’ll never be all set. We’ll always be a mess. And there’s a beauty in that, although I have difficulty finding it most days.
So this thing… or things… or whatever God has for us. It has cost us our blinders, our masks, and our pretty patina that we paint on over our crumbles and cracks. It has cost us our self-satisfaction and our arrogance. It has been crazy expensive already, because it is ripping out solid chunks of us that we preferred to keep, thank you very much!
We don’t know what it is. But allow me to walk you through the insanity that is my dream world these days.
“God knows our hearts for vulnerable children… if He is preparing us for THIS thing, then we’ll need this many beds donated, we’ll need to rearrange these rooms… no these ones… you know, it might work best if we left the master bedroom and switched to the guest roo… WHAT??? This can’t cost us our ROOM! That’s our room! I need a break. <generous mental break> Okay, so we have OPTIONS for room rearrangements… We aren’t in a position yet to go after any specifics because we have plans this summer that require just the 5 of us, okay… so we have some time. And then what?” I can tell you what vehicle switches we’d have to beg a car dealership for, I can tell you what laundry changes will need to take place, I can detail for you exactly how much more cooking I will have to do. Oh, you should know this – I do not like cooking. I don’t HATE it… but it seems so pointless. We eat, then we eat again. I have trouble finding the glamour in working on something that disappears. It’s part of my “everything I do needs to COUNT and be BIG!” personal issues. Meals? Ehh. So THAT attitude would need to shift, among every other detail of my life!
I get stuck in places like, “Could I keep my job? We’d need the money, but if the thing God wants us to do is THIS, then He’d need my time devoted to that…” and anytime the room rearrangements in my head circle back toward booting Matt and me from our own bedroom.
I don’t like not knowing where we are going, but I promise you: I canNOT handle knowing where we are going. I really cannot. I’m going mad just imagining things… can you even fathom how insufferable I’d be if I actually had to make the plans and carry them out?
So we’re in this “we need to heal because we let ourselves get damaged/damage one another and that needs to STOP” phase of life. And we’re approaching this “if we could be honest with ourselves and open with God about what we’re willing to do in His Kingdom, He might ask this or this or THIS!!!” phase of life that is totally exhilarating and murderously dangerous at the same time. I think God’s goal is to kill our overinflated senses of self so that whenever we get to the THING(s), He just has to remind us to leave that corpse dead instead of kill it then. But we experience it this way: He is killing US. My arrogance IS me. It’s part of me! I can’t be me without it! Augh!!! I’m dying. It hurts and I whine at God incessantly. For unknown reasons, He still calls me His child and is pleased with me despite my brattiness. And Matt too. Our self-importance is the worst kind of zombie; you think it’s finally dead and can’t hurt us anymore, and then it’s BACK! And creepier than ever!
So… I took a lengthy break from blogging and then popped in to tell you all of this, and that’s literally all I have to say. I’m a jerk. But I think we’re all well-acquainted with THAT factoid! If you want to pray for us, pray that the horrible parts of both Matt and I will just DIE and that we’ll leave them dead and stop trying to resurrect our own ridiculousness. And you could pray for our marriage. It sucks, but in the same way as climbing Mount Everest sucks. “Why are we doing this? What were we thinking? This is the worst thing ever! We’ll never survive!” and then”Whoa. Look at all of THAT. Worth it!” And you could pray for whatever the THING(s) is/are that God intends for us/is preparing us to do. Because it’s likely going to be so big and epic that we’ll die again. And I have a pre-recorded whining session for what to say when that happens. And it will be a place of brokenness and beauty, which is exactly how life is meant to be. I think we’ll feel fully alive then more than we ever have… but only because we know the deep frailty of ourselves. We’re in the process of learning that lesson now.
Hi! I’ve missed you! I’ve gone crazy without you, dear reader! Sorry I left and sorry that I don’t know when I’ll be back.