Okay, it’s nitty-gritty details time!  I’ve already revealed my principles for training kindness… so here are the things that I do/wish I did/am trying to do/someday might get around to doing.

1.  We talk about kindness ALL THE TIME.  If my children do anything even remotely resembling thinking of another person (even if they are ALSO thinking of themselves), I say, “{Name}, I like how you were kind to _____ when you did _____” or “{Name}, thank you for doing ______; that was kind!”  When I am requesting decent behavior from my children in response to one another, I nearly always mention the importance of being kind.  “Are you being kind?” is the second-most common thing I say.  (Right after “Mommy needs some time by herself/Mommy is going to take a minute/Mommy is going to the bathroom by herself…”).  It gets redundant and feels overdone from my perspective, but my children have captured 2 exciting lessons from these constant mentions of kindness:  1)  I value kindness and I want them to value it too.  2)  I notice when they put effort into being kind.  Conversely, I notice when they should have put effort into being kind.

2.  We talk about/demonstrate various ways of showing love.  I know that Rissa loves to make things and give them to people that she loves.  So it is important that I acknowledge to her that I know she is showing love whenever she makes a gift for me.  I know that Zach loves to spend time together with people that he loves.  So it is important for me to acknowledge that his often persistent demands that we do something together are his way of indicating that I am important to him.  I know that Nathaniel’s pouncy and snuggly little self certainly loves affection!  So I remember that his clenched fists and football tackles and sticky hands and slobbery kisses are how he shows his love for me.  Being kind is a way to show love.  Throughout the Bible, we see Jesus offer mercy and relief to many people who received meanness from everyone else (Zacchaeus, the woman who touched his robe in the crowd, the woman who was nearly stoned, Mary as she pursued learning and her sister Martha as she pursued serving others through domestic prowess, the blind man named Bartimaeus, the children who flocked to him, the Samaritan woman at the well, and so on).  People are hurting and showing kindness is a fast-forwarded way to offer the love of Jesus.  Which leads to #3…

3.  We search for people in need.  I honestly don’t have the time to do this as a separate to-do list item, so we have to squeeze it into whatever we already have going on.  Until I typed this, I hadn’t really thought of it as a “treasure hunt” but I may start calling it that!  People are God’s treasures and we can be on the lookout for them!  Since I am working to notice kindness in my children, my awareness is heightened and I can point out needs for kindness to them when we are out and about.

• When other kids frustrate us at the playground, we talk about how some people are still learning how to make friends and maybe we can teach them by being a good friend ourselves.  We can use our words and say, “You can play with me” or “It’s my turn, but you can go next” or “I don’t like when you do ____.  I can’t play with you if you are being mean.”  (Note:  the twins are just NOW beginning to have the courage to speak for themselves.  Usually, I need to walk over with them and say some of it and then they chime in with “Yeah!  And it is NOT NICE to do that!”  We’re getting there… I love assertiveness in them whenever I see it!  Assertiveness *should* accompany kindness… kind people are powerful, not pushovers).
• When we are grocery shopping and we hear a baby crying, we talk about that baby’s feelings.  “That baby is crying!  Babies don’t have words, so they cry to tell us when they need something.  What do you think the baby needs?”  The kids always have ideas regarding a new diaper, some food, a nigh-night, a snuggle.
• When we hurt someone’s feelings, I encourage the kids to apologize AND offer a love of their choice (it’s usually a hug).
• The kids show some kindness naturally!  And some children/people are far more prone toward kindness than others.  Everyone can learn this skill… but some start out with more of a tendency toward others.  Think extroverts vs. hermits. 🙂  Nathaniel says a cheerful “heyyo!” to nearly every person we encounter.  He has a sweet smile and is so friendly that I worry he will someday assist in his own abduction!  (They’ll return him when they try to take off his socks and he throws a fit.  Or they give him the string cheese he asked for instead of the string cheese he was thinking about and he throws a fit.  Or they try to do something and he wanted to do it himself… and throws a fit.  At least I’ll get him back!)  The younger the child, the more likely they are to offer a sweet toddler smile to the exact person in the establishment who desperately needed a smile.  It is remarkable!

Truthfully, MOST things that parents are trying to impress onto their children – how to interact with others, how to obey, how to have good hygiene, how to assert themselves, how to learn, how to seek restoration… kindness can be added to just about anything!  It is one of the major reasons we make the right choices… because doing the right thing is helpful to ourselves and others.

4.  Gratitude.  The best way to dial back the self-focus is to realize what others do for us.  I thank my kids for expected things, the “givens” of our day.  Yeah, they followed my directions and I told them to do it.  But they did!  They obeyed.  Whew, that could have gone badly!  I’m thrilled when they thank me.  They don’t see even a fraction of the work I do to parent them, but they see some of it.  And they know I love them.  Nathaniel once told me “I wike you.  I wike being yours tid.”  Once I regained the ability to speak, I hugged him, thanked him, and said that I like him too and I like being his mom!  Beyond noticing kindness when it happens, I like to thank my kids for exhibiting it.  We talk about how kindness pleases God.  We talk about the importance of thanking others for the kindness they show to us.  Getting a sincere thank you immediately boosts my kids’ desire to be kind again!

Let’s address Super Amy’s brilliant questions.

Do you discipline for non-kindness or just encourage kind behaviors?

5.  Discipline vs. Encouragement.  The short answer is that I do both.  If my children are being unkind to one another, they will get a time-out.  They have to sit alone, away from the activity/other people and miss out on whatever is going on.  Then they have to “talk about it” (I put that in quotes because we go over and say, “Are you ready to talk about it?” and when they are, we do) with the parent who instigated the time-out.  This can last any length of time because kids who have figured out that “talking about it” gets them back in the action faster are willing to talk asap.  Kids who have not figured out that “talking about it” gets them back in the action faster stubbornly refuse to apologize and throw tantrums that anyone would dare put them in time-out.  No, I will not name names… but obviously, ALL THREE of my children handle time-outs beautifully every single time… and I never hide and eat chocolate to prevent myself from doing something more damaging… yep, things are always peachy around here! 🙂  I also encourage my kids to BE KIND, as evidenced by the high-ranking spot held by “Are you being kind?” on the list of things I say.  This relates back to #1.  I try to notice the tiniest of random acts of kindness and point them out.  My kids then learn to notice their own acts of kindness.  And if they really get the take-home message, they start to notice one another’s acts of kindness!  That one is a rarity, but when it happens, I feel like I might actually be getting through to them.

Do you not make days about fun and frolic that is self-centered and mostly engage in things that are done for others?

6.  Kindness builds into everything.  I encourage my kids to explore and discover and entertain themselves and one another.  I am all about days full of fun and frolic.  But I don’t think that ever gets to be entirely self-centered because not one of my children has ever existed without a sibling.  The effect on other people is ALWAYS a factor in our home!  Each child is welcome to choose their own fun and frolicking.  But if another child chooses that one too, I have to negotiate and mediate so that no one’s personal space is infringed AND no one is treated disrespectfully.  Respecting each person, no matter how small or how incapable of contributing to the activity, is a very big deal with me.  So fun and frolic never outweigh kindness.  They must coexist.  We work hard to give each of our kids personal time and partner time.  If all 3 play together nicely, that is a very special moment!  But any pair should be able to function together, and everyone needs to develop the ability to be alone.  (The members of the Olson Five are all over that spectrum, so we’re all constantly adjusting to one another’s preferences.  I think that if everyone had it their way and everyone had to do it someone else’s way, we’ve had a productive day).  We build kindness toward others wherever it has a chance to land.  If we miss 7 opportunities and nail 1, at least we tried!

It is obvious from your blog that you are raising very compassionate kids and I would love some more tips!!!  Whoa, thank you!  It’s my life goal, so I’m certain that other things are slipping through the cracks.  But compassion and love/respect for people are at the top of my list on how God treats us, so I’m committed to learning how to do them and how to teach my children to do them!

7.  Empathy.  Empathy, empathy, empathy.  There is no easy way to learn this skill.  The best way to acquire empathy is to experience something painful and to wish that others understood your point of view.  Without experiencing some amount of emotional isolation/difficult event/painful circumstance, empathy seems clinical and theoretical.  Then YOU are the one who is an outsider… who is alone… who is in pain, and bam!  Empathy is desirable and you can think of at least 4 things you wish people would do to empathize with you!  I’ve paid dearly in life for the level of empathy I have developed.  Partially, mercy is my spiritual gift, so I start with that.  But empathy could and should be a positive result of suffering.  Many people suffer and still don’t have empathy.  I somehow want to teach my kids that when they suffer, they matter.  And when others suffer, others matter.

Luckily for Zach and Rissa, they arrived with a twin.  A very different person who was always all up in their business!  (I suspect that’s why we value learning how to be alone… twins tend to be together and might not learn how to be without one another without direct effort!)  I remember my ragged and exhausted feeding sessions with two tiny babies.  Zach woke up wanting to know why he didn’t have food in his mouth NOW!  Rissa usually wanted to burrow for another 5 minutes, but then she became concerned that her brother was no longer in the crib and started screaming in fear.  I could not physically care for them both at the same time when they were brand new… they were so floppy and tiny and we had to hold them at a designated angle during meals because their swallow function was still disorganized… it was awful.  So I was always “on” and never “enough.”  It was exhausting and I’m pretty sure that during those early weeks, someone was always crying (and often joined by me).  I remember cooing at them, “Sorry, Sweetheart, I’m helping your brother/sister.  I’ll be with you soon.”  Because they shared me, they learned to consider another person far earlier than I expected.  They suffered by not having their needs met upon demand.  We all suffered.  But we learned to care for one another.

In the same way, the most poignant conversations I have with my kids are when they are hurt by something or someone.  It breaks my heart to see their pain… it seems so small because they are small, but it is big to them.  No, they can’t bring their stuffed animal with them to run errands.  Devastation.  No, God didn’t give Nathaniel a twin sister, so we only have one daughter.  Rissa was heartbroken that God did not provide for her like He provided for Zach.  No, our house won’t sell and we don’t know what to do and we are drowning in fear and worry and concern.  Exhaustion and desolation.  Whenever a person hurts, they want to be heard and understood.  They want the rest of us to say, “I see your pain.  I know that this is hard.”  So I practice saying those things to my kids when their tiny hearts are hurting.  This means actively avoiding comments like,  “Well, that happened because…” and “Oh, I know how you feel…” and “If you had chosen differently, you wouldn’t be in this place…” and everything else that sounds great and helpful in my head but comes out obnoxious and asinine.

When I can show them empathy… when they can see me show concern and empathy for someone else… they know its potent value.  And I have been thrilled to see the very image of God in my children in the occasions that they show empathy to others.  Mercy.  Compassion.  Love.  These are traits of God’s character.

So how do you train kindness?  Well, this list isn’t as detailed or comprehensive as I would have liked.  We talk about it a lot.  I ask for it a lot.  I try to notice when it happens and celebrate those glimpses of God’s glory beaming through in our world because my tiny kids are reflecting Him with their kindness.

Random things:

• We have offered rides to people in the rain.
• We have thanked people for offering rides to us in the rain.
• We have learned the names of our favorite cashiers and librarians.  We are at the same grocery store at least weekly… so it isn’t much effort to read the nametags and make a point to go in Miss Keesha or Miss Deanna’s line when they are working.
• We have regifted our favorite toys/belongings to people we know.  Sure, I’m also frugal, but I think it means something to say, “This was our FAVORITE.  We have outgrown it, but you are just the right size and we think you will love it too.”
• We make things regularly.  I do it to maintain my sanity… I need to create with my hands.  But I can tack on the act of love by making things for others.
• We give hugs and smiles, probably more than others would like. 🙂

Bottom line:  we try to notice people.  And maybe, just maybe, when we are in need, someone will notice us.  Because we’re all hoping that we matter.  I think it is showing kindness to affirm to other people that yes, they DO matter.  At the very least, they matter to us.  And we all matter to God.