Team Matt and Jaime came Back!

We used to play Spades with Team D: Damon and Diana succinctly crushed us every time except the last time we played. Like the sore winners we are, we don’t play with them anymore because we’d go back to losing!  Okay, that isn’t the reason at all… they moved to Colorado. Team Matt and Jaime was a well-grounded entity who lost at Spades but otherwise did great. Team Matt and Jaime then became Team Daddy and Mommy. This is when things fell apart. We do great at being Mommy and Daddy because those roles are well-defined and use up about 98% of our time. But the non-parenting roles of who we are (Matt, Jaime, and Matt and Jaime) are gradually slipping. We have not yet balanced ourselves in how to be the non-parent version of ourselves AND the parent version too. Jaime is still inside me somewhere, but Mommy is predominantly needed. And when Mommy finally gets a break, Exhaustion takes over. Jaime doesn’t get to come out very often, except on the blog. And Matt doesn’t have time to blog so he probably comes out even less than I do!

We want to focus on our marriage and being a couple rather than just parents. We also want to be ourselves. But it is HARD to find time for that, especially when our parenting schedule demands so much of us. Matt said something really profound during a conversation last night that puts words to what I’ve been feeling for quite some time. “It’s like we’re always on call, 24 hours a day,” he said, “and that anticipation of being needed at any moment creates stress, even when we’re not needed. Some people thrive in that environment, but I would never choose a job like that!” And I wouldn’t either. And yet, we find ourselves in that work environment. I’d like to add my own point: when you try to be grace-based in your relationships, it is disheartening to realize that you are nearly never grace-based and that it is super hard to make a switch in even one small area, much less across the board. Now that I know what I want to be, I’m heavily reminded how much I’m not there. I hear my inner voice saying, “Forget grace! You were doing fine before. Maybe when you get more sleep and have the ability to function, we can give this a shot again.” So we are faced with throwing in the grace towel or pushing ourselves when we are already broken and exhausted. How critical is this grace idea to us? Is it worth it? Are we?

As we talked last night, Team Matt and Jaime returned! We were “us” again. We talked about plans for the future and dreamed together and we never do that anymore. We’re so trapped in maintaining sanity (or coping with insanity) that we often can’t even think about anything past today and just surviving it. We do a great job of spending time with our kids, but if we lose the foundation of our relationship, our kids will suffer too. They know they shouldn’t be our primary focus — they need parents who are together first and then parents rather than the reverse. And I knew that going into having kids. I committed to the importance of being us and being myself and being a parent, rather than just a parent. But when you are living it, there is nothing obvious or easy about it. Nothing. It is incredibly hard, in ways I couldn’t have known until I was doing it. And after 8+ months, I have not figured out that balance. I’ve nearly stopped trying.

This doesn’t mean that Team Matt and Jaime is back for good. We had a GREAT conversation and we connected and felt like our cool selves again instead of our tired parent selves. But that will quickly disappear because we are still tired and we are still parents and it still takes up 98% of our time. It was a blip… a reminder of what could be there if we prioritize grace and decide that it is worth it. It will practically kill us to pull it off (or even just to try and fail every day like we are likely to do) but I KNOW it will kill the beautiful part of being “us” if we don’t. If it kills me either way, I guess I’d rather go down WITH Matt than alone, you know?

Sneaky Jaime’s Tips for Vegetable Eating

Our kids are really great about forcing themselves to eat vegetables, even if they don’t really want them. They are excited that the spoon is coming and then when it’s a bite of peas (again), they remember that they don’t want peas! No peas! Ooo, look the spoon is coming again! This joy ride will be over in the very near future as that spoon loses appeal and reality sets in that green could mean yummy avocados or yucky peas. They now like peas + carrots, but peas alone was only partially tolerable. Behold, the magic of mommy’s genius: juice!

I needed the peas a bit less thickened, so I poured in some white grape juice to thin it a bit. Suddenly, peas are the new avocados! More peas! said Zach’s expressive smile. MORE PEAS!!! said Rissa’s kicking feet and sparkling eyes. This must be the equivalent of adding a bit of sugar to vegetables when they cook, as Matt’s grandparents used to do. I’ll be honest: I judged them… I thought that was ridiculous… my kids were NOT getting sugar in their vegetables. Then I had kids and I realized that my former no-kids self had no business judging anyone! You do what you have to do! While I still have no intention of ladling in a spoonful of granulated goodness, a touch of juice goes a long way. And they need the extra fluids anyway, to aid their liver’s ability to process solids etc. I tasted it myself, and even though I love peas, I admit it was a drastic improvement! A stroke of genius touched down in Urbana today, ladies and gentlemen, and I’m going to remember this trick! It will last right up until they can chew, and then when I can’t mix liquids into the puree when needed, I’ll have to wait for the next idea to come.

The Downside of Being a Twin: a Pictorial Tale

I have a story to share… and I swear, I did not set this up! I just didn’t stop it because I was too busy giggling and taking pictures. It is completely based on a real-life story, so I should use different names to protect the guilty. Let’s call them Bear and Tiger. Bear is a mellow, laid-back sort. He’s happy frolicking and minding his own business, lazing about doing whatever suits his fancy. Until he wants something, and then he can move at 40 miles per hour and maul his prey until he gets what he wants! Tiger is observant and sweet. She plays happily minding her own business, protecting her space, and leaving others well enough alone. But if you invade her space and mess with her, the claws come out! Calculating and sneaky, she quietly waits in the shadows until it is time to pounce! Now that you have some background, here is a pictorial story about Bear and Tiger. Hover over the pictures to read captions including more of the story.

Tiger and Bear are friends. They enjoy getting together every so often to hang out and share toys.

However, there is one unshareable toy. Precious Whale (PW) does not have an equal in the toy world. Tiger is convinced that PW belongs to her (PW actually belongs to Will, who is graciously letting Tiger and Bear borrow it). Bear is convinced that PW is available anytime he wants. Tiger was happily playing with PW when Bear, surrounded by other options, realized that PW was right there, available, if he could get past Tiger! He forms his plan and begins his mission: Steal PW!

Tiger is no fool! She discovers Bear in her lair, ready to steal PW! She could tear off his head, but the laws of the twin jungle (a place where both bears and tigers reside) forbid it. Is there no justice in the twin jungle??? “There must be!” she cries out.

Yes, there is justice in the twin jungle. PW is returned to his rightful owner by the narrator and Tiger maintains a close eye on him to protect him from future kidnapping. Bear begins to formulate the same plan he comes up with every day: Steal PW!!!

A few moments later, the narrator encourages Tiger and Bear to go to the watering hole together for diapers and new clothing as needed. Thoughts of PW are put on hold. At the watering hole, Tiger discovers some other toys and contents herself with those. She joins the narrator for some snuggle time. Bear realizes that PW is unprotected and available! He takes PW in as if he were his own little whale and gives him a good home. PW now rightfully belongs to Bear because Tiger has given him up. Tiger realizes her mistake. The agony, the remorse! How could she have let PW out of her sight for one second? While snuggling with the narrator, she concocts a plan remarkably similar to Bear’s daily plan: Steal PW!

But Bear does not give up so easily! He maintains his grip on PW’s tether and won’t let go! Tiger searches for justice again to return PW to her rightful ownership! Will it come?

Alas, justice is only for those who need it. The law allows for joint ownership and there is a precedent for both parties to love and enjoy PW. And the narrator cannot rightly step in to help Tiger re-acquire PW when she gave him up and Bear stepped in. Both Bear and Tiger are sure that in the future, they must be more vigilant with PW! Lurkers are everywhere, stealing and disrupting the peaceful twin jungle! Tiger goes in one more time as a vigilante — to heck with justice!

But again, PW is returned to his current rightful owner.

“Your time will come, Bear! Just you wait.”

“Back at you, Tiger! I’m on to you!”

Success!!!!

Apparently, the third time IS the charm. Two weeks ago, I tried to get to the Tuesday Baby Laptime class at our library. We never even made it out the door despite my best efforts. I can’t control when the babies wake up unless I go wake them up, so we missed the class by eating second breakfast instead of heading out. Last week, we got packed into the van, arrived, the babies went into the stroller, we rolled in… and everyone was just leaving. I was running 15 minutes late but the class started 15 minutes earlier than I realized… so we were 30 minutes late. {sigh} I determined to try again!

Today, we did it. All three of us were dressed and pottied and fed (I was barely fed, but that’s not important right now), I knew what time the class started, and we got to the library TWO MINUTES EARLY! You know I brought my camera to document our success!

There are lots of nice moms and dads who come to this! I met some people last week as they were packing up to leave right when we arrived, including several girls I already knew! This week, I met new people. This is the kind of event I can go to… I might have chances to get to know these people but there is no pressure on me to get there or have it together or even to be wearing a carefree, happy face. We go if we can and we don’t if we can’t. I plan to keep trying to go and maybe we’ll actually make it for 1 out of 3 attempts! It worked today because the babies woke up at 5:30am (ick!) so they happened to wake up from their first nap just in time to get there! If they sleep until their usual 6am, it isn’t quite as possible, so we’ll see what happens next Tuesday.

I’d like to admit something that you may already know: having two babies is not the same as having one baby! We couldn’t fully participate in the songs because I can’t fly both babies during the flying parts or clap their hands with them at the same time or slide them down my leg… we just bounced and sang and tried to take it all in. They are now getting to the age where I realize that two babies is more work than one baby! I would never say that one baby isn’t hard… because any baby requires a ton of time and effort. But now that they are so active and aware and involved with all around them, they each miss out while their twin gets my time. I’m okay with this because I can’t exactly do any more than I am and they quickly learn that both of them are important and sometimes they just have to wait but it will be their turn soon. Twins learn empathy early because they DO know what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes! And they handled it so well today… it isn’t like they are sitting there bitter that they aren’t flying during the flying parts of the songs. When they were tiny, I figured every new mom dealt with the crazy lack of day/night and the constant diapers and feedings and it was the same no matter how many babies you have. But now, it is not the same. Hauling in one 8 month old in my arms would be a heck of a lot easier than incorporating all the extra trips it requires to get them into and out of the stroller, into and out of my lap, one at a time, someone is always waiting… There is nothing easy about it! I get alot of grace from these two as they sweetly wait for each other (and sometimes not so sweetly).

I have some super cute pictures to show you, so I’ll move on to those. I’m often struck by the beauty of our children. I don’t mean that in an “oh, thank goodness they are good-looking, now they can be popular and have distorted thinking about what makes you valuable and what doesn’t” way. Of course, we do think they are good-looking kids and as their biased parents, we don’t apologize for that!  But more importantly, they glow with true beauty! When they smile at us or twinkle their eyes or do something that cracks us up, I am awed over and over by who they are! It’s amazing. Check out these smiles from the past week!

Zach sits steadily by himself, as of this week! Rissa can sit great with minimal support, but she would much rather stand so she archs her back and throws herself backward to get into standing position, and somehow crashes to the ground. She has not yet figured out how these crashes could happen! She’s trying to stand, why isn’t it working? Sitting –> bouncing –> standing safely from Daddy’s knee works just fine, thank you! The exersaucer only holds one baby, but that doesn’t mean the other one can’t get in on the action! They always seem to want the same toy, even when given multiple other options! I think a toy’s value directly increases based on whether someone else wants it right now!

Right Relationship

Awhile back, Steve P. commented and asked what causes me to think about the difference in how our Western culture views time as opposed to the slower-paced Global South. I appreciated what he had to say so much and I kept thinking that I need to just post a whole essay about that topic. And I haven’t I tend to write my posts in my head throughout my day, especially the ones that are my own thoughts rather than montages of photos of baby cuteness, and then I sit down and jot it onto my keyboard when I find time. So I’ve been mentally “writing” my post about our church’s involvement and the journey I’ve been on personally to view all people in a godly way, but I haven’t recorded it here for you all to share!

This post is just a subset… I was asked to contribute a short article to the Christian Mercy and Justice Network’s newsletter. The CMJN is a network of churches here in our community who want to come together, crossing denominational lines, to be the body of Christ in unity. We focus on social action issues like mercy and justice and trying to unite our community under the knowledge that the Lord Jesus cares very deeply how we treat people and how we follow His model of the Gospel being Good News! Good news not for when we die, but now! For the spirit, the mind, the body, the heart, the family, the community, the Kingdom! Offering just the words of the Gospel (which we often falsely pare down to “here’s how to avoid hell when you die” as if that phrase is contained anywhere in the Bible) is shallow and incomplete when we cannot act as the body of Christ, joining Him in bringing His Kingdom “on earth as it is in heaven.” I’m branching off of what I meant to write… I’ll have to post more on that later, perhaps in a book review of Kingdom Come by Allen Wakabayashi, also on my top 10 life-changing books.

Anyway! I spend alot of time thinking about this and I need to start capturing some of those thoughts here. To start, I thought I’d just submit my newsletter article for your reading pleasure. It refers to our church’s methodology in choosing to partner with a village community in Malawi to help alleviate the global suffering there caused by HIV/AIDS. Matt and I led the task force I describe below. Do you spend time thinking about these sorts of things? Would you like to?

Right Relationship in Alleviating Global Suffering

In August, 2006, Twin City Bible Church (TCBC) committed to following God’s call for the body of Christ to do our part to alleviate the global suffering caused by HIV/AIDS. In order to determine the direction God had for us to take and to learn more about this important issue, we created a task force of individuals from a cross-section of our church demographic: students, community members, church staff, and members of the Social Action, Evangelism, and Missions committees. We met regularly for several months to pray and to consider what “right relationship” looks like within the body of Christ.

This idea of right relationship is often lacking in cross-cultural endeavors, within the church and outside of it. So many cross-cultural attempts to offer help end poorly due to an unnecessary power struggle. The helping party often views their culture as superior or a goal to be attained by all other cultures, and perceives needs in the receiving party. Without conferring with those they intend to help, they begin meeting those perceived needs! And the receiving party is expected to just be grateful that someone wants to help them and accept whatever they can get, even if the help is not actually what they need and is barely helpful at all. This creates a wealthy helper vs. helpless recipient relationship and the relationship often focuses on money. Instead, right relationship has two equal parties, both helping and receiving from one another. TCBC wanted to avoid a power dynamic by slowly and methodically building a relationship with an identified group overseas in Africa or India. We wanted to work through an organization with a staff including culturally sensitive nationals within the community who would mediate the culture differences between us. Through the organization, we could identify what we have to offer and what we need and the recipients could identify what they have to offer and what they need. The organization could determine whether our offers and needs matched and help us focus on relationship rather than power.

Our task force identified twelve key principles to guide our selection of an organization or ministry, allowing us to predetermine a “best fit” for TCBC’s unique values and gifts before considering individual options:

+ Emphasis on Prayer
+ Accountable relationship with an organization
+ Partnership and Reciprocity: acknowledging that the people group we reach out to has much to offer and teach us
+ Mindset of humility as we serve (rather than a “we can fix you and make you like us” mentality)
+ Opportunities for the TCBC church body to be educated about HIV/AIDS
- Change in our hearts as we learn
- New knowledge compels responsibility
+ Opportunities to send people from TCBC toward service in this area
+ Emphasis on the Gospel – a holistic approach with Gospel opportunities
- in the Global South (Third World countries)
- in our local community
+ Engagement and participation of our entire church body in some way
+ Partnership with an organization who has already identified culturally sensitive nationals
+ Opportunities for Advocacy
+ Opportunity to work with a ministry that has both a community and a campus focus like ours
+ Establish a time limit to reassess how the partnership is going and to allow for change (3-4 years)

There are many organizations doing excellent work to alleviate the effect of HIV/AIDS! By establishing our principles first, we were able to focus our search to Africa then to a specific organization, African nation, and community. Staff workers with World Relief published an excellent resource for any church interested in learning more: The AIDS Crisis: What We Can Do by Deborah Dortzbach & W. Meredith Long. InterVarsity Press, 2006.

– Jaime Olson, Twin City Bible Church